Humor Bloggers Unite for World Domination!

I don't usually like to toot my own horn, but I have been part of an incredibly elite group of humor bloggers for a while now. You have to be a funny genius to even be considered as a member. It's kinda like MENSA for really hilarious mother f$%#@ers out there. This site has been recently open to the public. If you like a good laugh everyday, then check us out at Humor Bloggers.

It would particularly behoove you to check it out since we are beginning our quest for world domination today! Get in on the ground floor before it's too late!
PS-While you're at it, why don't you vote for me for Humor Blogger of the Year. If you do, you won't have seven years bad luck.

Stumble It!

Partying with The Rolling Stones

Doug at a funny blog that you should check out called Taunt Vortex read my post below and had a comment. He let out his party supply buying secret. He asks himself if the item passes his

"Would Mick Jagger buy this?"

cut. He suggested that Mick wouldn't buy a stupid saying cocktail napkin (an oxymoron, btw) for one of his parties.

Well, in your face, Doug from Taunt Vortex!! ;)

PS-At least you don't use the, "Would Keith Richards buy this?" method. You might get into trouble!

Stumble It!

So Bad They're Good

You arrive at an aquantence's house for a cocktail party ready to unleash your inner party animal. You don't know a heck of a lot of people, but you still have hopes of a great evening. There might even be a lampshade or two to be worn. Who knows?!

Then, it happens. Seemingly out of nowhere. You weren't prepared. Although after the dust has settled you realize you should have known. You saw the, "I hate four-letter words…wash, dust, iron, cook, diet." sign on the wall straight from the Lilian Vernon catalog. You felt oddly out of place without a sparkly, "fun" Christmas sweater.

You could smell the bunco dice hiding someplace wondering why they weren't included on this night.

Your hostess brings you a drink with THIS...

Is this some sort of awful joke? Oh, yeah, it is! My hostess wonders where they come up with such funny stuff.

Really?

I'm not saying I'm a comic genius, but how many "funny" cocktail napkins have actually struck you as funny? I'll answer that for you. None. Whoever is the, "Napkin Saying Maker Upper" sucks! And I'm not judging, but anyone who buys them because they "just tickle you" should be put down like a racehorse with a broken leg.

Here are some more hilarious party stoppers...

.

hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Stop!!!
This one made me cry I laughed so hard!

And the always HIGHlarious...

This next one isn't funny at all! What if you're not a good speller. It doesn't mean you're stupid!! Right???

Stumble It!

Some Fun with Our Favorite Cougar

This is what happens when I have too much time on my hands. Sorry in advance!

Stumble It!

What Would Sarah Palin Name You?

I am going to stray from the normal serious tone of my blog and write about something that might give you a smile this afternoon. No matter if you are a republican or democrat, you watched in shock and horror as a relatively unknown Sarah Palin introduced herself AND HER CHILDREN to the world. Maybe you thought you heard it wrong. Maybe she had a small stroke from the excitement and said some really f&*%$ed up names by mistake. If only this were true. I'm sure even Osama bin Laden was sitting there in his cave shocked at the abusive treatment put upon these kids.

I really didn't know how to handle this situation until "lilaphase" from Lilaphase brought this "Sarah Palin Name Generator" to my attention. Now I have closure on this issue. My new name is, "Drill". I love it! "Just Bob" from The Essence of Bobness is now to be referred to as, "Shank".

What's your name? Click here.

Sex! Sex! Sex!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

It looks like someone's doing it wrong.

When Chat Rooms Go Wrong

I was wondering what would happen if a chat room malfunctioned somehow and people would post to other chat rooms by mistake. Does that make sense? I know, I know, I'm such a wordsmith. Here goes...

MESSAGE FROM THE SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR:

Please bear with us (I originally wrote, "bare with me" and realized that that was an invitation to undress and totally inappropriate here) as we try to fix a glitch in our software. If your comment shows up in the wrong chat room, don't complain. We're working on it!!

Welcome to the knitting chat room, already in progress...

craftynana: Yes, I prefer to use a thicker yarn for those kinds of projects. 

scrappingqueen: I've never heard of anyone doing that! How do you avoid knots?

jihad596: @kahlid69-I too pray for the day that the streets are bathed in the blood of the infidels! Praise be to Allah!

craftynana: I think you're in the wrong chat room.

jihad596: This isn't, "Mostly Mujahdeen"?

scrappingqueen: No! It's a knitting room.

do_n_yo_mom: Does anybody have the new XBox 360?

jihad596: This is a knitting chat room you capitalist pig! 

btw, XBox sux, PlayStation is the only way to go. 

craftynana: Get out of our chat room!! 

buster_cherry: @oliver_closeoff- I'm telling you. NEVER let a girl order her food. Make the choice for her. Chicks love that shit! 

jihad596: @crafty-Would you use a #5 or #6 needle with that thicker yarn? One of my wives wants to know, for sure not I. Allah be praised! He will give us victory!

@buster-You are so right!

craftynana: I'd go for the #5.

oliver_closeoff: @crafty and jihad-You're crazy! Use the #6 jihad.

jihad596: It's not for me, but I'll tell my wife. BTW, blessed be the fruit of jihad.

oprah_rulz: Has anyone read Oprah's new book club selection, "Night" by Eli Weisel?

craftynana: Yes, I read it. Get your hanky out. You'll need it! Excellent book.

jihad596: Of course you fall for Oprah's zionist propaganda! She and all your American media have manifested themselves as nothing but tools of the colonialist empires! 

do_n_yo_mom: Dude! How do you get more than one wife?!

btw, he said, "tool" :)

Please Let Me Vent!!

This has nothing to do with the pain meds, but I would like to update you on my hurt knee in the form of a haiku....

No! Wait! First a picture and then a haiku...

Ahem...

Tae kwon do loser

Tendon! Why can't you reattach?

Walk like stick up ass

I'm not happy with that one. I will attempt another and then give up...

A.C.L., you suck!

Vicodin, Vodka...silence

Elvis! Is that you?

Addition-I messed up! Sorry! Let me correct my first haiku before you do.

Tae kwon do loser
Tendon! Why can't you rea...?
Walk like stick up ass

My Little Black Box

I found this addictive widget and I would like to bring it to all of my minions to try out. Let me try to explain it. Hmmmm....

You know those magic eight balls that you ask a question and it gives you an answer? 

Well, this isn't anything like that. Just click on it and if your IQ is at least that of a tall plant, you can figure it out. 

If any of you came across my blog through this widget, please leave a comment and tell me some of your answers or where you live. 

I would also like to apologize if you got matched up with me. Don't worry, I'm sure it's just random. It doesn't reflect poorly upon you, really.

PS-Now I know it's random. I got this site matched to me http://vulpeslibris.wordpress.com/ 

I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be in english, but I'm not that tall of a plant I guess.

Pamela Anderson's Boobies!!!

Sorry for the whole Pamela Anderson thing, but I had to get you to check out my post somehow. 

Other than that, here's my somewhat wordless wednesday. 

This deserves a good caption!

Read This, Dammit!!

I love days like this. I had such a fun day with my son. It made me think about how much he has grown up in the past five years. I took him out this morning to ride his bike. We just had a ball!

Usually that kind of stuff isn't so enjoyable, but this time I really enjoyed myself. We went around for hours like that.

It got me to thinking. At the age of five he has already hit so many milestones I can't believe it.

It seems like he was an infant just last week! He was a handful from the start, I have to say. Here's his crib at the babysitter's house.

We would always have such a laugh when his collar would give him a shock every time he tried to get out for food! Those days were such good times!

It seems like yesterday that I taught him how to tag the neighbor's houses...

We had such fun watching the neighborhood create a special anti-gang neighborhood watch because of it! Good times!!

It seems like it was just the other day that he started experimenting with alcohol.

It also seems like yesterday that he started questioning his sexuality and smoking on a regular basis.

What I'm trying to say here is that we need to stop and appreciate our kids. I know they can be a pain sometimes, but they will be grown up and move out of the house soon and THAT'S when you can start to have fun again!!!

Quirky? Me?

The great Crotchety Old Man sort of tagged me with a meme. I would be remiss to ignore such a challenge. I am to make a list of things that are boring or quirky about me. Hmmmm. This is tough!

1. I have almost a phobia of hotel bedspreads. I have to pull them back in order to sit on the bed. I NEVER see bedspreads in the maid carts. Do they ever get washed? I don't know what you fools have been up to before I get there!

2. I guess this isn't very unusual, but when I get drunk I think I'm a really good dancer. There are many wedding videos out there that would seem to disprove this. 

3. I'm a total slob, but I'm working on it. I have gotten slightly better over the years. My husband is the opposite. I don't know how we don't kill each other, but it seems to work out.

 

4. Whenever I have a Tootsie Roll Pop I check to see if the Indian is on the wrapper. That's good luck. Excuse me, native american. 

5. I hate talking on the phone. I mean I'm almost scared of it. I will do anything to avoid phone conversations and I can't let people listen to me when I'm on the phone. Texting is the greatest thing ever invented. 

6. My absolute favorite holiday is Halloween. We have a big party every year for the kids. I can't wait for it every year. I don't really like Christmas. 

That's all I can think of right now...

Kudos, Kudos, Kudos!!

You are surely not surprised that I get many trophys and accolades for my work on this exceptional blog. I would like to discuss some well deserved recent awards. 

First of all, I would like to thank Mamadawg for recognizing my obvious talent so appropriately. She awarded me the coveted "Redneck Beer Basket".

Thank you Mamadawg!!

Secondly, I would like to thank Don from Beyond Left Field for his intelligence in choosing me to receive this...

Don has a very funny blog, and if you don't check it out, you're stupid. 

Thirdly, I give kudos to Tommy from Email Rubbish for his brilliant, "Hell Yeah, Baby" Award so adeptly bestowed upon me this week! Here it is...

That's a pretty awesome award!! Thanks Tommy! 

HONORABLE MENTION:

I love reading about myself and how great I am. This never gets old. There have been a few blogs that I like who mentioned me and I want to give them some props for being so kind. They're also just blogs I like, so go check them out too! 

A blog that I recently discovered is, "Why Me? The Life and Times of Harris Bloom". His posts are not only funny, but he keeps them nice and short. Perfect for my attention span. Thanks Harris! 

Also, thanks to Crazy Mom of 3. I can't find her blog right now. I don't know what my problem is. She couldn't have blocked me! We're the best of friends. 

And last but not least, Unfinished Ramblings is a funny one to check out. Gotta go! Things to do.