Bitch Wanted Me to Switch!

I was on edge all day today. I don't know if it's the whole 9-11 thing or if it was some sort of premonition of things to come in my household. It was just a bad day all around. 

To top it all off, I get to soccer practice and one of the complainer moms comes up to me and bitch has the balls to change snack duties with me! I am already mentally prepared to do snack on Saturday, November 8th at 2pm. Of course I can't just move it back a week! Does she want to pay for my extra day in therapy? She said, "no", so I was about to throw down! Know this! I guess I scared her, because she dropped out of her cock-a-mamey trip to Ethiopia to help build some school for kids. What the hell kind of carpenter skills does she have anyway? What the hell is she gonna build? Please!

We get home and have dinner, wind down, put the kids to bed and I go upstairs with a glass of wine. My husband goes to his office to get some work done. I'm finally relaxed when I hear a muffled scream and what sounds like a scuffle. (yes, I said scuffle) 

OMG! Someone is attacking my husband! I don't know what to do! I need a weapon. I find a heavy flashlight. It was the best I could do. Look! I'm not MacGyver, okay?!

Sorry, wrong MacGyver...

I look in the dark, down the stairs and I see a figure running frantically with such purpose up the stairs! What to do!?!?! 

Without thinking I hit the intruder over the head with this heavy flashlight. He goes down fast. Panic! I don't hear anything from downstairs. What happened to my husband? 

I turn on the light and the shadowy figure is...is...

My husband!!!! What is going on?! Please wake up!! Please tell me you're okay! Please tell me you love me! All he said before passing out again was...


PS-You probably don't know what that means. Just read this post and you will understand.



MammaDawg said...

You are crackin' me up, you are so crazy.

"Sorry - wrong MacGyver." LMAO

Though not quite as funny as when you found out who the intruder was. ;)

Athena said...

HAHAHAHA! Oh my god you are hilarious :) Also, November 8th is my birthday! I totally would've gotten out of that snack shit, too...who does that bitch think she is?!! Damn.

TheFLy said...

Your husband needs a different type of mouth to mouth ressusetation, Im sure of it. It will bring him into consciousness quicker than you can say, Abe Vigoda, haha.

Tommy Buettner said...

wrong MacGyver?



Wrong head....wrong type of blow!!!

I will now e-mail my Catholic Aunt and ask that they put your husband on their prayer chain.

Kirsten said...

@mamadawg-Thanks! I glad my life is so funny for you. : )

@athena-I know! Everyone is so self involved these days!

@thefly-I get it now!!

@tommy-You guys all stick together, don't you!

Honeybell said...

I so totally, completely love you right now.


Don said...

B-a-r-n-y-M-i-l-l-e-r...! What does that get?

Sensei said...

Your husband is a wise man and further proves the fact that no matter what is going on, intruders, grocery shopping or impending nuclear war, ALL guys are ALWAYS thinking about one thing.

"Abe Vigoda."

Chat Blanc said...

hahaha! Are you sure you didn't just clock your husband so you wouldn't have to pay up on the Abe Vigoda promise?? ;)

Anonymous said...

Poor kids, vodka, MacGyver, and shadowy figures..... Scary AND Hilarious!

Bingolady said...

Rofl, Macgyver Rulez :)
Nuclear bomb from a box of matches - who would want more?

Da Old Man said...

I told the wife about your "Abe Vogoda" idea. I suggested we have a secret word. She said the only thing I could say is "We won the lottery. Let's go collect our millions."

Happy Working Mommy said...

Awesome!!! LOL!!!!!!!!! I guess he got excited about the Abe Vigoda?!?!? I guess instead of the b.j. he got knocked the F*ck out! LMAO!

TheFLy said...

Its Saturday. Go USC!!!

Hedon said...

So when I came to did you ask him how he had enjoyed his present?

Ricardipus said...



Kirsten said...

@honeybell-I love myself right now too! JK! Thanks for the comment!!

@don-Nice try! It might get you a knock over the head with a flashlight!

@sensei-Truer words were never said. No wonder you are called sensei!

@chat blanc-Shhh! You can't be giving up girl secrets in a public forum like this!! You're breaking the code!

@kittyconcerto-Luckily the kids were at their grandparent's house!

@bingolady-MacGyver needs a little love every once in a while!

@da old man-She's a smart woman!

@happy working mommy-Sometimes things don't always work out as expected!

@thefly-Damn straight! Did they deliver or what?!?!?!

@heldon-Unfortunately he's having trouble understanding who he is. He thinks he's Shelly Winters.

@ricardipus-I forgot that was his name! Duh!

muebles fuenlabrada said...

This will not succeed in reality, that is what I think.