Best of, Rolling Stones Edition

Doug at a funny blog that you should check out called Taunt Vortex read my post below and had a comment. He let out his party supply buying secret. He asks himself if the item passes his
"Would Mick Jagger buy this?"
cut. He suggested that Mick wouldn't buy a stupid saying cocktail napkin (an oxymoron, btw) for one of his parties.

Well, in your face, Doug from Taunt Vortex!! ;)

PS-At least you don't use the, "Would Keith Richards buy this?" method. You might get into trouble!

Stumble It!


Best of, Redneck Edition

I went to the south last week and long story short, I go into the redneck culture. They are such an anthropological find! Anyway, I mentioned a reality show on the country music channel, CMT. So, da old man comments and says that he, "doesn't watch the music videos" (yeah, right, Joe!!), but he watches a show on there called, "Redneck Wedding". Well, if it's good enough for crotchety, then it's good enough for me!

I'm watching it right now, and we might have a good one on our hands. Who doesn't love watching rednecks in their natural habitat?

One upsetting drawback that Joe didn't bother to mention is that it's hosted by none other than Tom Arnold. I can't stand listening to him talk through his nose! It makes me crazy! I guess it's all the blow he's done or ALLEGIDLY does. Oh, sorry, this is a redneck show. All the meth he ALLEGIDLY does.

That beside the point, we meet our couple. They are cute as a buttom. Whooops! I mean cute as a button. Elaine, the bride, is hand writing the invitations while the groom, Bruce, is drinking a lot of Budweiser Beers. It turns out that they want to save on postage, so they are stuffing the empty bottles with the invitations and throwing them on their friend's lawns. They are both too drunk to drive, so they use their trusty golf cart for just such occasions. No one told them that they still can get a DUI. But, I guess the only thing they could hurt is maybe a squirrel and after all that's free dinner. Win/win situation.

They are planning on having the ceremony on a picturesque mud bog. Bobby, the bog owner, thinks they're nuts, but he's game if they pay him. She wants macaroni salad, potato salad and Hooter's chicken wings. Oh yeah, and beer. Domestic of course! These colors don't run!

Centerpieces are handpicked wild flowers in beer bottles. They don't smell enough, so she'll use a little perfume. Eau de Meth Lab or something like that. ALLEGEDLY!) I wanted to make a cocktail joke using "creme de meth" instead of "menthe", but I'm too tired, so I went with the perfume thing.

Elaine and Bruce are awesome! A little background: It's their third wedding each. They met in high school thirty years ago. He has a great mullet that she cuts with that vacuum cleaner/hair cutter thingy.

I was just giving you a little color while the commercials were running.

Now it seems that Elaine can't find any cooter! That sounds like a personal problem, Elaine. Stop embarrassing us! The woman wants to serve cooter at her wedding! Alas, cooter isn't in season at the moment. Duh, Elaine!! Bruce isn't marrying her for her brains if you know what I mean!

I have gone on too long! If you want to find out what cooter(sp?) is, then you'll have to do yourself a favor and watch Elaine and Bruces big day on CMT.

Thanks, Joe!! This might be my new favorite show. Besides, "Meet the Press" and "Masterpiece Theatre" I mean.

PS-I can't tell you any more, because you just wouldn't believe it. I WILL tell you that they play horseshoes with toilet seats. No joke!


Best of, Again...

I was on edge all day today. I don't know if it's the whole 9-11 thing or if it was some sort of premonition of things to come in my household. It was just a bad day all around.

To top it all off, I get to soccer practice and one of the complainer moms comes up to me and bitch has the balls to change snack duties with me! I am already mentally prepared to do snack on Saturday, November 8th at 2pm. Of course I can't just move it back a week! Does she want to pay for my extra day in therapy? She said, "no", so I was about to throw down! Know this! I guess I scared her, because she dropped out of her cock-a-mamey trip to Ethiopia to help build some school for kids. What the hell kind of carpenter skills does she have anyway? What the hell is she gonna build? Please!

We get home and have dinner, wind down, put the kids to bed and I go upstairs with a glass of wine. My husband goes to his office to get some work done. I'm finally relaxed when I hear a muffled scream and what sounds like a scuffle. (yes, I said scuffle)

OMG! Someone is attacking my husband! I don't know what to do! I need a weapon. I find a heavy flashlight. It was the best I could do. Look! I'm not MacGyver, okay?!

Sorry, wrong MacGyver...

I look in the dark, down the stairs and I see a figure running frantically with such purpose up the stairs! What to do!?!?!

Without thinking I hit the intruder over the head with this heavy flashlight. He goes down fast. Panic! I don't hear anything from downstairs. What happened to my husband?

I turn on the light and the shadowy figure is...is...

My husband!!!! What is going on?! Please wake up!! Please tell me you're okay! Please tell me you love me! All he said before passing out again was...


PS-You probably don't know what that means. Just read this post and you will understand.



Best of, Haiku Edition

My daughter came home with a school project that was about haikus. That got me to thinking. So, in honor of Devin, here goes an original haiku about my day...

Stressful day with kids
Going to mom-in-law's now
Beer, whine, alcohol

Not sure how to use punctuation or if things should be capitalized or not. I'm really a haiku beginner believe it or not. ; )
If any of you have a good one to share about your day, I would love to hear it!


The Kommisar's in Town

Here a "Best of" about one of my favorite subjects, the 1980's.
Please to enjoy!!

Let me start this off by saying that I LOVE the 80's! I read a blog called, "Diggin' the 80's" to get my fix. I put it on my "fave list" to the right, so go check it out.

Anyway, that's where I saw this video and it really took me back for a couple of reasons. The best is Falco's dancing. I guess in the eighties I was breathing in too much AquaNet and didn't realize that he was such a sucky dancer. In this video, I KNOW the director knew this and told him to pretend to be running so the viewer wouldn't focus so much on his dance stylings.

Not to put Falco down, because I am a sucky dancer myself. (I didn't go into the music business tho) However, after after a few drinks, I think I'm Michael Jackson. (in the dancing sense) I have a feeling Falco is like me, and his friends did a joke on him and got him drunk and the following video is the tragic consequence. Watch him dance and that's me at all the weddings I've been to.

UPDATE: I was so entranced by Falco's dancing that I didn't realize this song was in German until it was halfway over. : )

AND ANOTHER THING: I love how self satisfied he is when her puts his collar up. I hope his friends give him s**t for that!


Best of Crotchety!

I think it's time for a little, "Best of" action since I'm out of town and all.

Here is a little tribute to my old friend Crotchety Old Man...

One of the blogs that I like to read is by a Crotchety Old Man who apparently has a turtle problem. I read about his Mephistophelian ordeal on his latest post. I'm very glad that he is bringing to light a problem that people seem to just sweep under the rug and hope it goes away. Well, I'm here to tell you that it's here to stay and we need a wake up call!! I'm upset that Crotchety hasn't taken a stand! He frankly made light of the subject. He let the reptile stay in the back yard and conjure up it's evil unchecked.

I went into my backyard and saw Beelzebub himself. If it can happen to Crotchety and me, it can happen to anyone! I am going to put a link here to what I saw, but there are children and old people haphazardly wandering the information super-highway, so only click to see if you are up to it. If you have a heart condition or are pregnant, please don't go any further. Here it is!What am I to do!



I'm in Italy right now, and I have to tell you that I'm surprised at how commercialized these have become here. Long gone are the days of a simple vacation without the influences of American big business. I'm just sayin'...


Italian Vacation

I am going on a European adventure for the next 10 days. Hopefully I will come back with some good stories. However, while I'm gone I will be posting some "best of" posts. I should be in Italy by now. That reminds me of an old post of mine...

I really hope I run into this guy. But, what the hell would I actually say to him when I meet him? I think I would get tongue tied and ruin the moment!


Can You Use Those for Eyeliner Too?

A great gift for the goth/emo kid in your life!


Winna Winna Chicken Dinna!

I had so great submissions for the "Caption This" contest last week. Let's dive right in.

Honorable mentions:

"Those NASCAR t-shirts are pricey. I just saved myself 45 bucks!"
moooooog35 with
Shit like this is why I'd rather watch golf.

When I was a kid, School House Rock taught me that '3 Was a Magic Number.'

Now, I finally understand...as all this vomit came from absolutely nowhere.
Me-Me King with
Tagging a Big Foot is so common these days.
Haley with
Eventually Bobby and his wife split over his constant bragging about his IQ.
And the winner is...

God with
Tanya's matching vagina shave to symbolize her and Dave's favorite NASCAR driver's number, 23, was such a hit that they received a free season pass.

To prison.
Of course GOD won. Congrats to God for winning the coveted Mom Likes Me Best Award!


When Nerds Panhandle

I'm afraid he's just gonna go out and blow the money on another stupid costume.


Caption This Contest

It's Caption This time!


All Work and No Play Makes Mom a Dull Girl

I can't seem to think of anything to write. I was hoping that something would come to me sometime throughout the day.

I took a shower.

Still no ideas. I got the kids up and gave them breakfast.

Still nothing. I took the kids to school.

Still nada. I even took the time to foil wrap my car.

Nothing. Sorry guys! I'm tapped out today!


Winners, Please!

Now for the winner of the Mom Likes Me Best Award! Whoo! Whoo!

Honorable mentions:

Haley with
Ron Jeremy on the set of his new movie - "Montezuma Delivers"

Nooter with
elton john called, he wants his hat back
Marissa with
So now we know who took Beyonce's missing earring.
moooog35 with
Police chased the suspect in the theft of the Aztec artifacts to the local soccer stadium but sadly lost him in the crowd.
And the winner is.....

The Mother with
As predicted by the ancients, Monteczuma has returned. He immediately joined the Mexico City soccer team, but was unhappy to discover that the sport is now played with balls, instead of the heads of vanquished enemies.
Congrats Mother!! Have a great Mother's Day weekend!


Caption This, Seis de Mayo Edition

It's that time of the week again! Will you be the lucky winner of the Mom Likes Me Best Award and 1000 Entrecard credits? Give it a try. I dare ya!


Cinco de Mayo Celebration!

Happy Cinco De Mayo to all my little Mexican friends! This might seem weird, but I'm going to celebrate by wearing a festive, non offensive outfit all day.

The kids so enjoyed getting dropped off at school today. The tears of joy were so touching!

I also want to teach my daughter to appreciate all races of people, so, for Cinco De Mayo, I am having a mother/daughter slumber party.

The only problem I have is picking only one favorite Mexican!

I just wanted address one woman by the name of Maria.

Oh, come on Maria!!! Don't be so angry. Everyone loves a good Mexican joke!

For example, what is this?

It's a Mexican Navy Seal! ...rim shot...

This one speaks for itself...

Oh, come on Maria!! You know you laughed!

Wait a minute!!

Maybe you're right after all, Maria. No more Mexican jokes for me.


Look Who Won!

Since the lovely Spaz took my blog over on Friday, I wasn't able to award the Mom Likes Me Best Award that day. On with the awards!

Honorable mentions are:

Sarah Jessica Parker without makeup.
Reforming Geek with
I'm here for my MRI.
DouglasDyer with
Jeff Goldblum stepped into the machine, not realizing it already contained both a fly and a carburetor.
Me-Me King with
Michael Phelps, 2012 Olympics

PhilipDyer with
The glasses were expensive, but it was worth it to pay extra for the Julienne attachment.

And the winner is...

After Mad Max was finished being filmed back in 1978, Warren went on to become a world class ... well, nothing.

And as we can see here, 'nothing' has a pretty shitty dental plan.