Rock of Love, Don't Know What to Call This One...

"As soon as we get back to our rooms from the first elimination, Katherine H. starts giving me sh*& about my extra finger again. Bitch can kiss my ass! I'm not embarrassed about my extra digit at all! As a matter of fact, I started a group called Polydactyly United. We call it PU for short. We educate ignorant bitches like Katherine H. about our non embarrassing condition. I don't know what I would do without PU in my life.

Anyway, if that skank gets in my dish about my allegedly large moles or possible goiter, I'm taking my specially made gloves off and kicking her skinny little ass!"

"Anne and I got into it as soon as we got back to our rooms. Everyone started ganging up on me for being a dick to Anne because she's a freak. Whatever! I'm not here to make friends. I'm here for love. I'm here for all the right reasons. Not like Jane. She's just here to get her acting career going. That whole rodeo clown thing is just a stepping stone to a reality tv career. I know she wants a "Bachelorette" spin off from this show. She doesn't care about Henry. She's here for all the wrong reasons."

"...hahahahahahahahahahahaha........what?..........Hey! Are those Cheetos?"

"The next morning we are all at breakfast when a scroll arrives. It's addressed to Anne B., Jane, Katherine P. and me. We get the first group date! I'm so excited to spend some time with Henry, but I'm kinda bummed that Katherine H. gets the solo date. That definitely gives her an advantage, especially since she's such a slut."

"I can't believe I get the first one on one date! Please let my cold sore clear up before then!!"

Just as the girls finish getting ready for their date, a carriage arrives to whisk them off to the secret destination...


Rock of Love, the First Elimination

In anticipation of meeting Henry for the first time, the women gather in the great hall. As women will do, they start sizing each other up.

"That emo/goth chick is such a freak! I heard she's an executioner's assistant. WTF?

"I can't believe these narrow minded skanks! They're such sheep. They make fun of me because of my job. It's a great job. I get to meet the most interesting people! I mean, death is what life is really about, really."

"Finally Henry walks in and he's so HOT! The paintings don't do him justice! He is so mine. These other girls are just that........girls! He needs a real woman with real life experiences."

"Henry decides to take each one of us aside for a little one on one time. He picked me first! We totally had a connection!"

"I finally got to talk to him and we had an amazing convo. We totally have a connection! It was amazing!"

"After we all get to talk to him, we find out that one of us is being eliminated tonight! It can't be me! We so had a connection on a deep level!"

"Whatever! Henry is such a little bitch! I'm more of a woman than he can handle. He's intimidated by me. His brother was more of a man than he will ever be!"

Tune in next time for the first group date!


What Color Are You?

According to blogthings, I need to change the color of my blog. Yellow is a stupid color, so I'm not doing it. I do like what they said about me, so I'm sharing it with you now. What color are you supposed to be?

Your Blog Should Be Yellow

You're a cheerful, upbeat blogger who tends to make everyone laugh.

You are a great storyteller, and the first to post the latest funny link.

You're also friendly and welcoming to everyone who comments on your blog.

In case you were wondering about Rock of Love, we are having an intermission. (i.e. I'm having trouble being creative today!)


Rock of Love, Bob Marley Style

The last two contestants to arrive are by no means the least. The first one is Kathryn Howard. I'm not speaking out of turn when I say she's a bit of a slut. Let's be honest, that cold sore speaks volumes. She should bring on the drams! (that's drama to you)

Lastly, we have Katherine Parr. The smell of patchouli oil wafted through the halls signaling the eminent arrival of Kat. A big time hippie for the past few years, Kat might just be the most unique character of the group. She is very proud of the fact that all her clothes are made of hemp. As a matter of fact, she went on for forty five minutes on her audition tape about the MANY uses of hemp. She also listed as her talent the fact that she can make a bong out of pretty much anything.

Kat will definitely rub some of the girls the wrong way. I can't wait to see what happens!


That's What You Said!

I would like to take this time to thank all my great commenters! I love getting comments. It just makes my ego even bigger, if that's even possible. Anyway, here are some highlights from the past few days. I have provided the links to the commenters' blogs, so go check them out and tell them Kirsten sent ya! If you weren't quoted here, there's always next weekend!

I appreciate Granny Annie's concern for me when she asked, "Is there anyone who checks on you on a regular basis?". Unfortunately, no one does. Will you, Granny?

I had to laugh when Jen and Orion said, "She looks like Christina Agulaira (sp?)" about this picture. That's Christina's hair I used, so good detective work, guys! Also, honoranble mention for butchering of the spelling of her name so well. I won't spell it for you here because I don't feel like it, not because I don't know how.

Jinksy said it! I didn't!:
What is the likelihood that the Windsors would be willing to do a reality show?

I could imagine Prince Charles's wife Camilla in a series entitled "The Horse-Faced Whisperer".
Eudea-Mamia said this about my picture of Jane Seymour.

Not to be harsh, but is that shot of Jane like vintage late '80s, or is someone really upping their Photoshop skills?
In answer to your question, I did not alter that image in any way. That is Jane in all her 80's gloriousness!

Thanks again for all your comment love! See you on Monday!


Rock of Love, Emo Style

The next two beauties to arrive at the castle could not be more different from each other. First off, we have Jane Seymour. She is the wallflower of the group. More introverted than the rest, she might have a hard time in this competition.

In contrast to plain Jane we have the emo, goth chick, Anne of Cleves. With her long black hair, bold attitude that live totally sucks and her propensity for tattoos, Anne is going to be very entertaining.

Unfortunately for Jane, she and and Anne will have to be roomates. (Since we have two Annes, let's call this one emoAnne from now on.) Jane represents everything that Anne hates. This could be a good catfight. Anne can't believe she is here with this whitebread, conformist loser.


Rock of Love, Let's Not Lose Our Heads

The second contestant arrived at the castle. Her name is Anne Boleyn and she is going to be Catherine's roomie. As you can tell by her picture, she loves tanning beds and experimenting with hair color. She already kind of knows Henry through her little sister, Mary. Mary used to sleep with him and they even have a son together. White trash meter hitting 10 again!

Sparks flew the minute Anne and Catherine met. They both wanted the top bunk. Things ended up getting ugly, Catherine made fun of Anne's extra finger and it was on! Anne is a badass and needless to say, Catherine will be enjoying the bottom bunk for a while.

Stay tuned for the arrival of the next skankalicious babe!


Rock of Love, Spanish Style

If you didn't read the previous post, you might be a little confused here.

Let's meet our first potential love match for Henry. Her name is Catherine of Aragon. That must be her stage name. She won't give up her real last name apparently. She came all the way from Spain to compete for Henry's affections. She really hopes that she and Henry can find a "connection".

However, the awkward factor is high with this girl. She is Henry's brother's widow. Weirdness!! I guess it just goes to show that you don't have to be poor to be white trash. Just ask Paris Hilton.

Rock of Love, Tudor Style

Most of you don't understand the reality tv genre as I do. I know this is embarrassing for you, but it's okay. Please let me educate you on the origins of this indelible part of American culture. Oh yeah! I forgot it's a scourge on our civilization. I only watch it to feel better about myself.

Many people don't understand that they had reality tv hundereds of years ago in England. Let me take you back. (Imagine everything getting blurry and fuzzy as we go back.)

Meet the world's first reality star! He is looking for love. His name is Henry and he hails from England. He wants to find that special girl with which to share in his extravagant lifestyle. He enjoys jousting, fox hunting, hawking, platform tennis and beheadings. He would like a nice Catholic girl to be his queen.

He thinks he came directly from God, but what reality star doesn't to be honest. Here he is at leisure at his Hampton Crib. (Official publicity still)

He doesn't always like to be so formal. He is often seen hanging out in sweats and his favorite t-shirt that has a picture of Shakespeare on it and says, "Prose Before Hos". Here he is at a more casual moment.

You will have to keep tuned in to see what kind of ladies vie for Henry's affections!


Daily Funny

I have selected a winner from the insanity quiz. She is apparently sane, but is "incredibly boring". Congrats Quirkyloon!!! It's okay. You're still crazy in my book!

Awkward transition...

I have always been unconventional when it comes to my finances. I don't put my money in banks. It's not that I don't trust the man, it's because I like to see exactly what I have. My mattress is a perfectly safe place for my money. The fact that this money hasn't been laundered yet has a tiny bit to do with it too.

People have always given me problems about it. Given the current economic atmosphere, I can rub it in all their faces! Yesterday I got a call from The Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences. It seems they are awarding me with The Nobel Prize in Economics!

Immediately click the play button! Fast!


The Blogoshpere's Most Wanted

I have been very behind on answering my comments. I didn't realize how much time a blog can take! I LOVE my comments and want to be able to answer everyone, but I have let it go too far to catch up. Instead of answering them, I thought I would show my appreciation by posting the funniest comments at the end of the week. You guys are so funny and you make me LOL all the time. I stole this great idea from Dani. Thanks for letting me rip you off! Please visit her funny website so she doesn't come over and slash my tires again.

Okay! Back to the point. I came across a comment that I had somehow missed from Barefoot Military Mommies. It seems that I was the site of the week!! Check it out! How cool am I? Thanks Military Mommies! It's nice to get some recognition besides my picture on the wall at the post office.


Are You Insane???

I would like to announce the winner of yesterday's nerd quiz. AMH615 (aka Angie) got the best result: " 83% Dumb Dork Awkward". She wins the opportunity to read the rest of this post, so congrats Angie!!! She has about 20 different blogs, so I linked to one of them. Check her out.

A few readers yesterday bitched that they weren't challenged to a quiz. You didn't know what I was planning for today, did you? I have the Insanity Quiz for you. I dare you to get a worse result than I did. It said that I was "incredibly boring", however, the badge just says that I'm "boring" which is nice. So, I have that going for me.

The Insanity Test -- Make and Take a Fun Quiz @ NerdTests.com's User Tests!

Now for my victims. You must take this quiz or it's obvious to me that you are insane, or worse, you are very boring.

Ettarose at Sanity on Edge

Stephanie the Rocket Scientist

Lee from Moms Without Blogs

The very funny Petra from The Wise Young Mommy Blog

Good luck! Let's see who wins this time!


Nerd Alert!!!

I can't believe I'm letting you see how dumb I am. I'm glad that i'm "cool" though. I got this test idea from my friend, the Crotchety Old Man Yells at Cars. (You're welcome, Joe, for the extra reader today!)

NerdTests.com says I'm a Cool Light-Weight Nerd.  Click here to take the Nerd Test, get geeky images and jokes, and talk to others on the nerd forum!

This got me to thinking. I would love to challenge some of my bloggy friends to a nerd-off. Who is the biggest nerd?? I have thrown down the gauntlet to the following dorks:

Unfinished Rambler

Happy Meals and Happy Hour

Wit's Bitch

Confessions of a Reforming Geek
I really want to know this one!!

Irregularly Periodic Ruminations

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit....

Are you to scared to play??? Bring it!!!!


I'll Just Say It Involves a Ketchup Bottle

I long for a sweeter time when women didn't have to open their own damn ketchup bottles. We have to do that sh&% by ourselves now. Damn you Del Monte!!!

PS-Did that make you laugh, Kerrie?


The Biggest Boobs I've Ever Seen! For Real This Time

I have to admit that I love trainwreck-reality television. Don't judge me. I wanted to share one of the best reality tv contestants of all time. Her name is Nikki aka DJ Lady Tribe. She is a DJ/graffiti artist/ho-bag. The clip speaks for itself.

All the contestants on this show are so skanky that they give skanks a bad name. I don't know what rock they came out of, but I'm glad they did because they make for entertaining tv. I told you not to judge me. Like you only watch "Meet the Press" on Sunday mornings!

Nikki's Intro on Rock of Love Bus
Uploaded by TheDlisted

Where are this girl's parents!!!! Did they raise her in a bar???

Whoops! Maybe I need a little self reflection.


Beers, Bars and Puppies?

Maybe it's just not my week. I told you about my horrible experience at soccer practice on Monday. Things just get better and better!

Contrary to what it may seem, I am actually a good mom. I am very hands-on. So hands-on in fact that I take the kids with me to the local bar in the afternoons. It's a great learning environment for them. First off, there are plenty of tables upon which to do their homework. Secondly, well, that's pretty much it.

Anyway, long story short, I suppose the other patrons where getting a little perturbed with my kids running all over the bar like kids will do. Excuse me for giving my kids some physical activity! I guess the type of person who visits the local dive bar at 2 o'clock in the afternoon, 1 o'clock on Wednesdays, isn't a "kid" person per se. The bar owner, who needs to watch his back, put a sign up that I didn't see until it was too late.

Believe that he (Bradley Moran who lives at 666 Main St., Lakeview, CA-phone number (999)678-5456) made good on that threat.

My kids have been up since Tuesday afternoon with no hope of stopping. And what am I supposed to do with this damn dog???

Being a good parent just doesn't pay off sometimes. :(


It Wasn't a Total Blackout

You Remember 90% of 2008

You were paying attention during 2008.

And you remember what happened really well.

You'll be able to talk about 2008 for years to come...

Even when most people have forgotten what went down.

I guess I remember more than I thought. I woke out of my drunken haze long enough to make a few observations. For example, I remember that this picture is possibly my favorite from last year. Just let it all sink in. The gun playfully resting against the house. You know, just in case. The long necklace whimsically resting against her protruding belly. The fact that she decided to go with the sleeveless top this morning. I could go on and on. Every detail has something special about it.


Dumbass Soccer Mom

What a day I had yesterday, folks. Not in a good way, either. I promise you, the life of a bad ass soccer mom can be a lot more stressful than you think. Let me take you back to yesterday afternoon.

It was the first soccer practice since before Christmas. I was already in a bad mood because I hate to hang around with those soccer moms. Go figure! So, I obviously had to fill my pimp cup up to the brim with a little medicinal vodka this day. Most of the ladies know to back the hell off when they see my pimp cup make an appearance.

This woman, let's call her "Dumbass" (not her real name), decides to come over and talk to me. Bitch has the balls to make fun of me for walking funny. (Between you and me, I HAVE been walking funny lately. You would too if you had a Jesus ashtray involuntarily shoved up your rectum.) For a brief explanation on how this happened, click here.

Of course I wasn't about to let her know what happened to me, so I kicked her in the shin and ran off. When I say "ran" I mean hobbled really fast. Anyway, the long and short of it is that she filed charges against me for assault. Not a great way to start off the week!


I Like to Party Like a Fat Guy!

Yay! I'm back and there's nothing you can do about it!

Today is the day that I start eating better and not drinking (as much). My health kick starts right now. Do you know why I'm doing this? After eating and drinking constantly for the past two weeks, I feel like this guy:

Anyone else feel like this after the holidays?