1/06/2009

Dumbass Soccer Mom

What a day I had yesterday, folks. Not in a good way, either. I promise you, the life of a bad ass soccer mom can be a lot more stressful than you think. Let me take you back to yesterday afternoon.

It was the first soccer practice since before Christmas. I was already in a bad mood because I hate to hang around with those soccer moms. Go figure! So, I obviously had to fill my pimp cup up to the brim with a little medicinal vodka this day. Most of the ladies know to back the hell off when they see my pimp cup make an appearance.



This woman, let's call her "Dumbass" (not her real name), decides to come over and talk to me. Bitch has the balls to make fun of me for walking funny. (Between you and me, I HAVE been walking funny lately. You would too if you had a Jesus ashtray involuntarily shoved up your rectum.) For a brief explanation on how this happened, click here.

Of course I wasn't about to let her know what happened to me, so I kicked her in the shin and ran off. When I say "ran" I mean hobbled really fast. Anyway, the long and short of it is that she filed charges against me for assault. Not a great way to start off the week!

49 comments:

kickassmom said...

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! East Coast approves :*) For all those with the ashtray misfortune, "GET THAT BITCH!!"

Quirkyloon said...

Your word verification right now, staring at me...poopl.

Yep. Poopl.

Looks like you had to deal with poopl yesterday. Poopl: dealing with poopy people!

But did you at least enjoy your pimped up drink? I hope so.

BTW, no offense but your skin is looking a little um ragged. Do you need some face cream?

LOL

Eudea-Mamia said...

I need you to come run interference for me with the Basketball Moms - they're a rough crowd.

So sorry about the ashtray enima. I take it Ma didn't find it as funny as I did?

lisa said...

I've been a professional soccer mom
for the past 6 years and anytime someone pulls that crap with me, I whip our their signed code-of-conduct.

Rule #9 clearly states: DO NOT TALK TO ME. Somehow that shuts them right up.

You could also try red-carding them.

*Just Jen* said...

HA HA HA! I just about spit my water out all over my computer! LOL This reminds me of a song that goes "I don't fight, I don't argue, I just hit that bitch with a bottle". Or kick her, same thing. LOL

Mulled Vine said...

So this woman with the balls... is this a common thing round where y'all are? :)

Queen-Size funny bone said...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhh

Stiletto Sports Jen said...

kick her in the shins for me too because she sounds suspiciously like my perfect soccer mom sister who irritates me to no end!
hope the week gets better for you!

Random Chick said...

You obviously didn't kick her hard enough! Next time, knock her on her ass!

The Self-Deprechaun said...

Soccer mom hating Soccer mom. It's so ironic and yet, so hot. Add in the crippled part and we have here quite the fantasy. Wiping my drool and recovering from a bit of dipping in the pimp cup myself.

Miss Grace said...

Medicinal vodka is the VERY best kind.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Dude, that sucks. How come she can't realize that she totally deserved it for being a dumbass?

Chat Blanc said...

the weak ones always file charges! those bitches!

Eric S. said...

LOL, you should have used the Jesus ashtray to show her why nothing like a real life example LOL. Now that would have made an impression. Hope the medicinal Vodka helped.

The Constant Complainer said...

Kirsten,

I love your blog. I came across it through Blog Catalog when I was doing some research for one of my own posts.

I found myself reading and enjoying many of your posts.

Pretty interesting and I will make sure to visit back.

Thanks,
CK
a.k.a. The Constant Complainer
Cleveland, OH

Poobomber said...

Damn angry drunks, can't go anywhere without running into one.

King of New York Hacks said...

Booze and soccer are really getting interesting.

SWC said...

First, hats off to the shin kick, although I hear the crotch shot is more effective. Me? I don't mess around with the contact sports much. If the rugby moms in these parts get out of hand, the only thing that stops them is a flash of my 9mm and the tatoo given to me by the triad.

And I'm confused. I always thought Jesus was a smoker.

My bad.

Azure Islands Designs said...

Never did like hanging out with team sport moms,...hope your week gets better!!

Cheers

Adullamite said...

It's not 'soccer' it's FOOTBALL!'

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