If Oprah Says It's True, Then it is!

An important part of being a good mom is to make sure you take care of yourself as well as your children.  If you don't take time to pamper yourself every so often on a daily basis, you can't be doing your job as a parent well enough. If Oprah says it's true, so shall it be....

With this in mind, I'm at my daughter's soccer practice today, in the oppressive heat, watching these girls play their little hearts out and sweating up a storm. They take a break and walk towards us and I immediately get the Gatorade out and down that thing in about three seconds flat. (No joke!)

My whiney kid proceeds to complain about, "dehydration", "dizziness", etc. The standard stuff. I explain to her that I'm being a good mom right now and to come back if she experiences any loss of vision. 

Besides, she looked fabulous. She must have lost two pounds of water weight. I could almost see all her ribs! If I had coddled her she would have gotten all bloated and no one worth a damn would be her friend. She's seven years old! It's about time I teach her to be ashamed of her body. I did her a favor.

Now, the practice is over and here come the complaints again!

"I'm thirsty"

"I'm hungry"

"Who's my real dad?"

"My daughter is going into diabetic shock, can we have your orange juice?!"

Me, me, me, me, me!!! Get your own damn orange juice; besides it's not even orange juice it's Sunny D. 

So, after finishing my "SUNNY D" I left the field feeling like I'm living my best life!

Thanks Oprah!!!

I Know You've Missed Me!

Good news, fans!! Your day has just been made. I'm back!

The kids and I have been so sick. We've barely left our beds since saturday. Today is the first day I feel semi-human again. Maybe it was God's way of punishing me for being a total narcissist. No, that's crazy talk. God likes me best.

I'm still in kind of a NyQuil haze, so I don't even know if I'm making any sense. By the way, I LOVE NyQuil! The NyQuil coma is the best! The only other person who likes it as much as I do is Denis Leary:

Narcissist is good....right?

I took this quiz and pretty much nailed it as usual! Here are my results, but they seem to put a negative spin on it in the end. I guess they're just jealous.

You Are a Total Narcissist

Your ego is totally out of control - and you couldn't care less. As far as you're concerned, you're the most important person in the world - and everyone should treat you as such. While it's good to have high self esteem, you also have a strong sense of entitlement. You think you deserve more and better than everyone else... and that's not cool.

Are You a Narcissist?

The New Generation of Awards

I've been thinking about all of these blog awards people are giving and getting. I got the idea from a blog I like called Cabbages and Kings and also from Dead Rooster. I stole the award to the right from him. No, I'm not bitter because no one gives me any, and the ones I DO get I award to myself. Please refer to the following post about winning a non-award contest and how I handled it. 

Are you back? Good. (only I would assume you would take the time to do this)

If you didn't already know about my only child status, then you've probably figured it out by now. I created a GENIUS award that I might just give out. Why not award someone else with my own genius. People keep giving awards to people who they feel deserve them for whatever reason. Maybe they think the blogger is entertaining, smart, funny, blah, blah, blah...

But, I should really be awarding people by giving them a chance to read all about me! I'm going to single-childly change the face of the internet blog awards forever!!!!!

Evil laughter...

Here it is:

Firstly, I would like to thank the Crotchety Old Man for his non permission to use his image in my award. 

Now for the rules:

If awarded this privilege, (or if you just take it) you must have it linked to my site so the world can enjoy my greatness. Okay, you don't really have to, but if you don't you will die within two years. (I can do this, just check out my voodoo post)

You also must bestow this honor upon at least 1,000 of your closest blogger friends. 

And the first recipient of this honor goes to one of my favorite bloggers ever, Tommy. Check out his Email Rubbish site for a good laugh every day! 

I Would Like to Thank the Academy

As all of my fan know (thanks, mom), I entered the prestigious annual Crotchety caption contest. I was determined to win the non-prize this year. I even bullied asked some funny, influential bloggers, Suzy and Random Chick to help me out. Thanks sistas! 

As it turned out, I didn't even need the help. I hope I wasn't too cocky in my acceptance speech:

Yes, yes! In your face, losers!!! I won. I'm better than all of you! It's been brought, bitches!!!

Oooops! I forgot to use the royal "we"

-HRH Momjeans

PS-Still waiting for our millions. Left a message for the guy. He must be busy. (inside joke)

PPS-We hope you all brought your lunch boxes, 'cause we're about to take you to school if da old man has another non-prize winning contest!!

As long as we didn't sound immature and self centered. 

Anyway, we would like to thank Da Old Man for the following award! 

You are really too kind! I wonder who might win the next, "The Soccer Mom is F@$%ING Hilarious Award"? Hmmmm...

PS-Da Old Man was not consulted nor informed that he bestowed this honor upon me in any way whatsoever. 

Update-I forgot to put, "award" on the bottom of my award. I was on a break from my job as a brain surgeon and was hurried! 

Can you beat me, bitch?!

The Crotchety-Old-Man-Yells-at-Cars is at it again. He thinks he's all fancy and started a contest with no prize. Leave it to me to enter a contest without a prize. Anyway, I think I'm in the lead. Please check it out and tell that old man that I'm the best and I deserve a prize. 

He addresses me as HRH Momjeans. That's a whole 'nother story for another day.

Voodoo Knife Rack

I came across an, "Ex Voodoo Knife Rack" somehow. High-larious! Now, if you have a sense of humor and understand that this technology doesn't actually work, it's funny. But, to this dumb-ass and self described non-fuddy duddy, it's not. This person actually took time to write this:

I am not being a fuddy-duddy or PC nut: believe me, I do get the humour - I just think that the funny side is outweighed by the more serious implications.

I think that the imagery created combined with the action of pulling the knives in and out is capable of affecting some people (especially some kids) in a negative way. I think that in this day-and-age of heightened knife crime even one serious incident incited by this product is one incident too many.

I have complained to the HQ of a well-known dept store and they have taken the items off their shelf. If you see these on the shelves and also find them offensive, please complain. You don't even have to follow your complaint up if you don't want to. Just keep a copy of your letter as proof that you did complain just in case a serious incident occurs. Manufacturers and suppliers need to be made accountable.

Really?

I'm so glad that this person is making the world a better place by calling manufacturers about this. He/She has given me the inspiration to save all the children by pulling some strings and ridding the world of this non-funny "OUCH" toothpick holder as well:

I made a voodoo doll for this person and I'm hoping it will work. He/She needs to die so we can clean up our gene pool a little. 

That's what I'm doing to make the world a better place. YOU'RE WELCOME!

Does this blog make my ass look big?

Long story short, I need a new name for my blog. The Soccer Mom Files is lame and gives the potential reader the completely wrong idea. I started off thinking of having this be more of a serious, product reviewy thingy. Well, I can't resist just goofing off, so let's just forget about that whole pay-per-post making money idea.

I obviously want something funny. "Does this blog make me look fat" or something makes me laugh. I don't know if it's used or not. Anyway, I wanted to ask all of you talented, hilarious new blogging friends of mine for suggestions. 

And remember, no smart-asses!! 

Just kidding! Only smart-asses.

PS-I just figured out that "Does.......fat" is taken. I hated that name anyway.

This button just struck me as funny...

...and sad at the same time.

We're home safely!

I'm so glad to report that we are back from a great family trip! We saw some old friends and relatives. We got to show the kids Washington D.C. and do the tourist thing. I really enjoyed seeing the WWII memorial as that is new since I've been there. There were some WWII veterans there for the first time too and it was very moving.

Wow! That almost started getting serious there for a minute! Let me post a very immature picture with a District of Columbia theme to keep my blog lowbrow and superficial where it belongs.


Oh yeah!! We also poked around Ocean City, MD since I have some family who live nearby. They always insist we go to the boardwalk like it's the goddamn Louvre or something! Oh well, my husband was in need of a new, "Bikini Inspector" t-shirt anyway.

Off to Washington D.C. Today!

The reason for our trip back east, my cousin's wedding, went off "without a hitch" last night. Hahahahahahahahaha! Did you get my hilarious and clever pun? I don't even have to try sometimes.

I'm afraid to comment more, because I'm not sure if anyone found out that I have a blog. What if I make fun of the wrong person and they see it? Believe me, my family is fertile comedy ground! Just not sure how to go about it. Will have an inner dialog about it later and decide how to proceed on that front.

Anyway, we are in the lovely town of St. Michaels, Maryland. Now we are going to D.C. to visit more relatives and I suppose there are a few points of interest we could show the kids as well. I heard there's an okay museum and some statues and such worth a peek. We'll see.

I'm packing up now. Isn't it funny how you can't fit all your clothes back into your suitcase the way you did when you packed to leave? I guess my new giant tv remote doesn't help.

We made it!

Thank you to everyone who sent their well wishes! It worked and we made it to Maryland in four whole pieces.

I'm not sure how the plane trip went exactly. I did the responsible thing and decided to self medicate with a little bloody mary or two to start off with. I panicked when we hit some turbulence, tried to ignore it by picking up the Sky Mall magazine, got confused and I'm not sure, but I think I might now own a 16th Century Italian Replica Globe, an aquarium coffee table, a Mount Rushmore garden statue, a solar powered mole repeller, a Don Knotts signed photograph, a giant tv remote and some pillow, nap thingy. (photo below) As you can tell by the sheer amount of items, my fugue state lasted a while.

Since I don't have a mole problem, I'm pretty sure I bought the mole repeller because I thought the picture was funny. You be the judge.

Remember kids! Alcohol and Sky Mall DO NOT mix. I never knew there we so many non-existent problems that needed addressing!

Wish me luck!

I'm off on a family vacay this morning. We are traveling all the way across this great nation of ours to Maryland. Only one problem. I'm scared shitless to fly. Always have been, but adding two little kids to the mix and one with a fatal peanut allergy, I'm slightly stressed.

Don't get me wrong, it's going to be a lot of fun. It's just the getting there and the trip home that I hate. If you would be so kind as to send some good thoughts my way today, I would be very grateful! Don't get me wrong, if there is a problem and I have to land the plane, fix a faulty engine in mid air or save all of us from a crazed hijacker, I will. But I'll be pretty goddamn pissed off if I have to. (if my mom is reading this, yes, I know I ended that sentence in a preposition. Who cares! I'm probably going to die today anyway.) My husband won't hear the end of it.

Hopefully, my lovely reader(s), you will not hear about a plane going from LAX to Dulles that meets an unkind fate. I hate to be dramatic, but, "Goodbye cruel world!".

My Encouter with Trace Adkins

Okay, I used to make fun of country music on my free time until I married a guy who liked it. I continued to make fun for about five years and then something funny started happening. I started liking it! Long story short, I'm a big Alan Jackson fan now. My playlist is on the bottom of my page. Play it at your own risk, as you might just start liking country! 

Anyway, my hubby and I were invited to a country music festival in Palm Springs a couple of months ago by some close friends. They live in Nashville and are friends of some country stars, so we got to go back stage and watch a lot of the acts. I'm trying to keep this short, so bear with me. I'm a huge fan of Trace Adkins because he almost won The Celebrity Apprentice on behalf of the Food Allergy and Anaphylaxis Network. He has a daughter with life threatening food allergies like my son. His single, "You're Gonna Miss This" was sold on iTunes with all the proceeds going to FAAN. It's a great tune. Listen to it below. I promise you'll like it even if you're not into country. It's about taking time to appreciate the present, which is something I forget to do. 

Here's the picture of us with Trace. ( I thought he was smiling funny because he was being a dick until I noticed that that's how he smiles anyway.) My friend, Kris, is on the left and then Trace, then me and then my husband. Do you like my necklace/shirt? When you got it, you got it!!

Between  you and me, I might have altered this photo. 

I got an award!

I know, enough about me already, but I'm an only child. The whole world revolves around me. This is fact. 

One of my fave blogs, Crotchety Old Man Yells at Cars, has awarded me the famed Arte y Pico Award. The fact that the author of a great blog like that actually reads mine and comes back is a great compliment.

First off, let's get the business part out of the way.

Rules:
1) You have to pick 5 blogs that you consider deserve this award, creativity, design, interesting material, and also contributes to the blogger community, no matter of language.
2) Each award has to have the name of the author and also a link to his or her blog to be visited by everyone.
3) Each award-winning, has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the award itself.
4) Award-winning and the one who has given the prize have to show the link of “Arte y pico”blog , so everyone will know the origin of this award.
5) To show these rules.

I am going to start off with a blog that I like a lot. Original G.R.I.T.S. stole  my heart when she wrote me, "the only think Juicy in my house are the stains on the living room carpet". So, please stop by and give her some love!

Since I am so obviously sophisticated and cosmopolitan, my next recipient is Lisa from Sweden. She reads my blog all the way from Geneva!! Crazy, huh? (inside joke) Anyway, her blog, Mitt liv som asiL, is great. It helps to know Swedish, but she is kind enough to put up a lot of pictures to keep me entertained. (it's all about me, remember) I just looked on there today and saw a picture of my blog! Between you and me, this could be either REALLY good or REALLY bad. PANIC! What if she's making fun of  me? How embarrassing! If anyone knows Swedish, please help me out! And don't sugar coat it, people. I can take it. It's gonna take too long to sit down with a Swedish/English dictionary and go word for word. Besides, who the hell knows if A comes before Å...

Another blog that makes me laugh every day is E-mail Rubbish. Please check it out. Any blog that gives me a, "content warning" before I can see it gets my vote! Tommy is pretty damn funny. 

Another can't miss for me is Banana. These two are always good for a funny comment or a great blog entry. Check them out!

Now, I hate to get all serious on you, but I hope you will take the time to visit Our Story. It is a blog about something very close to my heart. As you can tell, I deal with all of my problems with humor, but there is nothing funny about serious food allergies to me. My four year old has a peanut allergy that could very well take his life at any time. It is important to me that people understand that peanut allergies are no joke and can happen with food items such as chili, plain M&M's, cookies without peanuts in them, pizza dough and the list goes on and on. My son's allergy is so bad that he could have a fatal reaction if another person ate a peanut butter sandwich and then touched him. 

This has gone on too long. I hope some of you are still with me!

How much do you know about American history?

You Are a Smart American

You know a lot about US history, and you're opinions are probably well informed. Congratulations on bucking stereotypes. Now go show some foreigners how smart Americans can be.

Are You a Dumb American?

Happy Birthday, America!

Well, the 4th of July is back again and I plan on celebrating like any other good American. First order of business, drop the kids off at their grandparents' house. Go out with the old ball and chain and get good and drunk while enjoying a good burger and french freedom fries.  God bless America!

I Have Arrived!

Forgive my arrogance, but I'm pretty big time now! Don't get jealous, my fellow bloggers, but I got my first European reader. I barely even tried! Here's what she said about my SpongeBob post:

And here I am, The European reader! (I'm actually watching Spongebob with my daughter as Im writing this.) Belive it or not, all europeans don't like speedos ;-)
So...I'm no't offended that you think Spongebob looks funny in his speedos, because I do to. :-P But I suppose I am some what offended that u think all europeans are in love with speedos...no.. wait a minute. It turns out I dont care after all.:-D
Have a great day! And from now on u have a reader from Sweden (no..not Switzerland..Sweeeden)/Lisa

I visited Lisa's blog and quite enjoyed it, and as soon as I learn Swedish, I'll enjoy it a lot more. Maybe I'll go to Ikea today and brush up.
Now, I have to clarify a few things. As all Americans know, Scandinavia is not a part of what I call the "speedomain". "Speetotalitarianism" never got that far north. Duh!

Anyway, thanks to Lisa for her comments! I love my fans!!

I was just in Sweden last year. Geneva is a beautiful city!

Please!

I hope some smartass comments on the above post to tell me the proper location of Geneva.