Public Service Announcement for Brooke Sheilds

As none of you know, I had a terrible time with post partum depression after the birth of both my kids. I suffered unnecessarily twice! Who was the brain surgeon who didn't tell me about this?!?!

Lady Clairol, you have the finger on the pulse of the women of America!

This explains why Brooke Sheilds was never blonde!

Dumb bitch.

Caption This, Look At Me Edition

If you can caption this I will give you 1000ec credits and the coveted platinum, "Mom Likes Me Best Award".

Caption This Awards

I had some great submissions last week. I would love to share them with you. I love the funny mother f*&^%ers who read this blog. I don't know where you come up with this stuff.

Let's start off with the honorable mentions.

The incredibly prolific moooooog35 had a bunch of good ones, like..

...dad..?

and

..and the letter read:

"Chuck E. Cheese sincerely apologizes for his behavior at Billy's birthday party."

and

M-I-C...

..see you at the dominatrix orgy...

K-E-Y...

..why? Because you've been a naughty...naughty wittle mousey and must be punished...

Shawn had one that almost won with...

Buff Pinkerton: Gay Superhero

Bill's Bayou with the very creative...

Before the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, the balloons have a little party.

The hilarious LOBO with

"Travis, you promised you would use the Latex machine for good. Never evil ... "

And the winner of the platinum Sheriff Star Award is

My Daily List with

PETA has issued a strongly-worded protest letter RE: the animal testing at Franks Fetish Factory.

Thanks to everyone for participating!!

Redneck Camping

We are off on a camping trip next weekend. Note to self, remember my husband's cigars this time!!!

If You Get Caught in the Rain, Let It Be a Gay Neighborhood

Welcome to part two of my money saving tips! I will share just a couple so as not to put you to sleep.

1)Don't you hate it when you go to a petting zoo and they try to rip you off by trying to make you shell out another 50 cents for some feed? I know I do, so I have come up with a free alternative.

Why not use your child? Or better yet, someone else's child.

2)Never buy an umbrella! If you get caught out in the rain, go to the nearest store, library, hotel, whatever is there, and go to the lost and found. Say you lost a black umbrella and there you have it! A free umbrella. Please know that the stylishness of said umbrella will be directly proportionate to the gayness of the neighborhood.

3)Why not visit your friends' houses at dinner time? Nine out of ten times you will end up with a free meal!

Can you imagine how much money you would have if you save on the occasional dinner, umbrellas and petting zoo food?

You're welcome!!

Caption This Wednesday!

For 1000 ec credits and the coveted "Mom Likes Me Best" Award. Bring it!!

Playing the Lottery and Other Fiscally Responsible Ideas

Given the current economic situation, many of us are trying to find new ways to save money. I thought I would do a series of helpful suggestions for stretching your dollar. (or if this is rubbish, your pound)

Let's dive right in!

1)Everyone knows that babysitters are a total waste of money. When my husband and I go out for a night on the town, we throw down a bowl of water and some snacks and put the kids here.

The beauty of this is that it is simply one payment of about $40.00 for the cage.

2)Duct tape, duct tape, duct tape! You can use duct tape to fix everything! It also can be a babysitter. Check it!

However, this person used entirely too much tape here. Obviously a rookie, but you get the idea.

3)Finally, a smart way to make extra cash is by playing the lottery. Some jackoffs say that the lottery is just a tax on people who are bad at math, but I beg to differ, mostly because I don't understand that statement. The joke is gonna be on them when I win the 10 million dollars while only investing $100,000 on tickets over the past couple of years.

I leave you, my friends, with just a taste of what is to come. I am full of these great ideas. We're going to be rolling in dough soon. Let's stick together.

You're Right! Flame Good

I think I need more info. Thank God they have a website!

When Flossing Goes Bad

It's that time of the week again. The ceremonial awarding of the platinum sheriff's star award.

I always like to start off with some honorable mentions, so here we go!

moooooog35, who always has good ones, gets props for:

Shawanda thinks that maybe, just maybe, she could have gone a little smaller on the ass implants.

Marissa with:

Just a little water retention. By next week I'll be back in my Size 2's.

nonamedufus with:

Does this ass make my thong look fat?

Heather Cherry with:

Most people go to the bathroom to floss their TEETH.

rubbish gets the first annual "Overexplain" award for:

Hi love, any chance of taking me down the scrap yard to weigh myself?


Disclaimer. Not sure if you have scrap yards in America but in the UK they have weigh bridges that you drive onto to weigh steel etc. in tonnes.

And the winner of the week is:

DouglasDyer with:

"Have you seen my husband? He was wearing a white tank top."

Douche Bigalow, American Gigolo

My bestest friend and her sister started a blog last night after knocking off a bottle of wine. She decided to tell the world about her ex boyfriend, a former reality star and paramour of toolishness. Please check out their blog and leave those lushes a comment. Maybe they'll get drunk tonight and let us in on some more juicy secrets! I HATE to gossip, you know.

I would love for you to get to know my friends before you go to their blog. Here's a picture of me with the two of them. (and yes, I often wear underwear when I go out) Aren't they cute?? Trust me, they have great personalities and they make their own clothes!

Caption This Wednesday!

My iPod Needs a Cool Cover

Does anyone else embarrass their kids? I think I'm fairly normal and unassuming. However, my daughter seems to think I'm totally embarrassing. She acts like I pick her up at school like this:

Whatever! If she wants to be embarrassed, then I'll give her something to be embarrassed about! How do you think she'll feel when I come to pick her up at school with my old skool iPod. (Don't ask me why my iPod is naked, it just is.)

I'll let you know how that works out.

Billy Bob is the Biggest Toolbox Ever!

For now, at least, Billy Bob Thornton is the biggest douche on the planet. I'm sure you have heard about him acting like a little bitch at a radio interview last week. You see, he's from this incredibly relevant and popular band called the Boxcutters or something. (Okay, it's the Boxmasters, but I like Boxcutters better.)

I feel for the other members of the band. They have to be humiliated by their lead-tool's attitude.

He was being very petty. ...and I don't mean Tom Petty either. Why does he think that he's even close to Tom Petty's league.

Anyway, click on this funny image for some great merchandise.

Peep Show for All You Easter Fans!

Winna! Winna! Chicken Dinna!

It's that time of the week again! The awarding of the "Mom Likes Me Best Award" is at hand.

Let's dive right in.

Honorable mention to the following:

Douglas with

After Katrina, the Mardi Gras floats never really returned to their former glory.

Anna Lefler with

That reminds me.

I'm supposed to work the carpool drop-off line at school next week.

Chaotically Calm with

Wait buddies you can't go jihad without me.

The lucky winner is Steph with

Has anybody seen Kevin? Don't tell me we forgot Kevin...

Wham Bam, Thank You Ma'am

I have an interesting situation on my hands. I have a friend who always talks about having troubles with her husband. He's always crabby and doesn't always come home straight after work. What's worse is that they want to try to have kids, but her won't even touch her. I have been listening to this for the past couple of months.

Yesterday, I finally met the man in question. As soon as I met him, I knew her problem. Let's just say that he made these guys look like lumberjacks.

I Don't Think They Have Room for That Guy!

I know you can come up with something good! Make the coffee shoot out my nose, please.

We Just Want to Get Our Nails Did!

Since the kids are off of school this week, I thought it would be fun to do some girly stuff with my daughter. We decided to do eachother's nails. Off to the drug store we went and got the supplies. My daughter found some stickers to put on her nails. That sounds great, right?

No, it isn't. I read the instructions and we are still wondering how to camberong the sheet. Any suggestions?

We're also not sure if "attracrive" is a good thing.

Discuss...

It's Been Brought! Caption This Contest Winner!

Sorry for the late post, but my kids are off for spring break and they seem to take time away from the old blog. Also, there have been new, "Rock of Love, Bus" and "Tough Love" episodes. You understand.

Allow me to continue with the awarding of the "Mom Likes Me Best Award". Yeah, I know, that sentence was awkward at best.

Honorable mentions...

Shawn from The Shark Tank with

Higgins, days before he learned how much he had damaged the unicycle's resale value.

Reforming Geek with

"Doc said air things out a bit. People are staring. Maybe this isn't what he head in mind."

mooooog35 with

Eunich-cycle.

The Self Deprechaun with

Worst job in the world: Bike Seat.

The winner this week has to be P.L. Frederick from Small & Big with

"Ladies, check out my banana... seat!"

Feast your eyes, PL!

RIP The Nemesing One

I guess I'm a little late in finding out this terrible news. I haven't had the time to do the important work of checking my bloggy friend's blogs for the latest laugh. Unfortunately, I went to one of my must reads, I'm Sure I Don't Know by the Nemesing One. At first I thought it was a sick joke, but it's not. The Nemesing One died last week. He got a flat tire and began changing it on the side of the road when he was hit by a drunk driver. He was truly a gifted humorist and good, if delightfully crabby, human being. He leaves behind his wife and their 5 children.

Sorry to be such a downer, but take this time to appreciate the people in your lives whom you love. You never know what life has in store for us. In honor of The Nemesing One, here is one of his favorite songs...

That Looks Painful!

Caption this and you win Mom's favorite award and 1000ec credits!

Bring it!