Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

The USC Trojans kicked ass yesterday! 

52 to 7

If I had a heart, I would have felt sorry for Virginia. But, alas, I don't. They teach us to be heartless from day one at 'SC. 

Back to me. Here I am taking in the game yesterday...

Whoops! I forgot my wine rack. No one's gonna "bust" me anyway. I know, bad pun, but I couldn't resist.

College Football is Back!!!

I don't follow a lot of sports, but college football is my favorite by far. Actually, I only watch when my team is playing, because I'm that self absorbed. I'm a little afraid to tell you my team, because a lot of people dislike my school! But at the same time I like me some trash talk, so maybe I'll tell you. We are, after all, the best football team ever!!

I'll give you a hint: I usually get a lot of OJ jokes when I tell people where I went to college.

Gotta go, my team is playing right now. We are already ahead 7-0

Nice Wine Rack!

I thought up a genius invention the other day and it seems that someone else already manufactured it. They stole my idea before I thought of it! DISAPPOINTED! I thought I was going to be the Donald Trump of alcoholics everywhere. (only with slightly better hair)

Here's the deal:

At least in the US, there are are so many places where it would be perfectly appropriate to serve booze, yet they don't. Movie theaters, for example, while I have to sit through the Hannah Montana movie for the second time in a row. It should be mandatory in this circumstance. However, the AMC rent-a-cops don't see it that way. Don't ask how I know this, I just do. Also at sports arenas, amusement parks, day care centers, church camps, while carpooling, and the list just goes on and on. It almost makes me feel ashamed to drink in these venues. 

Just kidding! Not really.

Why do we live in such a strict police state? Alcoholics are persecuted in "the land of the free". We are not allowed to openly practice our lifestyle choice. I'll bet there are people in North Korea getting loaded while doing Tai Chi or some shit like that. I'm sure there are even people in Iran enjoying a beer or two while pretending not to make nuclear weapons. And don't start with me about the Russians. They start their kids on vodka in kindergarten. I'm pretty sure I read that one time on Wikipedia. Europeans even get to order beer at their MacDonald's!! That brings a new meaning to the happy meal! Bastards! 

Sorry for the diatribe! I guess I had a little venting to do.

Anyway, since alcoholics in the US are totally oppressed, we have to be creative in our clandestine drinking. So, this is MY great idea!

Ladies and gentlemen! I give you, "The Wine Rack".

Pure genius! Big boobs and tons of booze. Everyone wins in this situation! Why didn't I think of it sooner?

That's Just How I Roll

You guys will not believe where we stayed while in Nashville! It's a log cabin, but don't be fooled. It's the biggest log cabin in the world or something like that. I wasn't really listening because I was too busy looking for small things of value that might fit in my bag or a body cavity.

This isn't your normal home. It has an indoor pool, a soda fountain room, a heli-pad, a movie theater, a recording studio and of course a shooting range. Who doesn't have that? They even film a reality show there on CMT, the Country Music Channel. Don't act like you don't watch that on a daily basis. That's right, I'm talking to you, the Fly!

Now, I love me some reality television. Studies show that reality tv fans are more smarter than regular people. I'm pretty sure I read that somewhere. Anyway, I had to check out this show since it was filmed where I like to chill with my pimp cup. Who knew that it was entertaining?! The reason you all need to watch this show is one thing. Sean Young!! She is reality gold! She's more of a drunken mess than I am. I have never seen such a wack job in my life. I don't think it's an act either. I almost feel sorry for her, but then I got over it.

The moral of this story is:

Find the CMT channel on your tv. You have it, you just don't know it.

Check out Gone Country 2 for a little Sean Young hi-jinks! It won't disappoint! I think it's on on friday nights. What else are you doing on a friday night?

PS-If you want to check out the house, click here. Turn your sound off though. They play annoying music.

I'm as Patriotic as the Next Guy, but...

I was going through some scrapbooks and found a picture of your mama. Perfect for wordless wednesday! 

If you can come up with a funny caption, then I will laugh.

FYI-People in the South Don't Wear Barrels for Clothes Anymore!

Where to begin! We had such a great time in Nashville and environs in the past few days! I know that may fans want to know all about what I do, so here goes...

I certainly got an education! I'm here to tell you all that not everybody south of the Mason-Dixon Line looks like this:

Believe me! It's true. I did not see one person who looked like that. No corn cob pipes, overalls or even multiple guns and moonshine jugs. I'm kind of pissed that I brought my own and for some reason people looked at me funny every time I brought it out. I guess they were jealous.

But here is a typical southern belle:

I love the outside couch with a shotgun sitting ever so appropriately right behind for all to use. 

We were visiting friends who recently moved there. We arrived late at night and I noticed that they didn't have a couch in front of their house or a commode or even a junker car on blocks. I was embarrassed for them as they obviously weren't fitting in. 

I feel sorry for them as they're just making it harder for themselves to make new friends there. Some people can be so ignorant!! I would never judge someone just because they don't understand the southern culture. 

I have so much to tell you about my trip, but my pictures aren't uploaded yet and I'm still jet lagged from the two hour time difference. I will have to continue tomorrow.

Nashville, Here We Come!!!

I'm pretty excited because my family and I are off to Tennessee and Kentucky today to visit friends who just moved to the area. We haven't been there before, so we're not sure what to expect. 

I am a very cosmopolitan woman, so I know what the people will be like. Everyone knows that people in the south talk funny, not because they have an accent, but because they don't have all of their teeth. I've watched, "Cops","Jerry Springer", and "Deliverance". I know what I'm talking about. 

We have gotten all the necessary shots and visas. I've purchase a south to normal dictionary. I am really looking at this as a sort of anthropological excursion. I'm not sure weather I should bring my own jug to drink my moonshine from or to get an authentic one there. I also want to blend in somewhat, so we all have overalls to wear. I also got a barrel with straps to wear for a more formal occasion. I'm so glad I think of these things beforehand!

I will report back and let you know how it is. I might even have some pictures! 

ON A SLIGHTLY LESS IGNORANT NOTE-I am a "fan" of the controversial photographer, Shelby Lee Adams. He is from the Appalachian mountains and he follows a few familys who live in the very  isolated areas year after year. Some people feel he is exploiting these people. However you feel about it, his images are absolutely fascinating. I can't believe people still live the way they do. If you ever get the chance to see the documentary on Adams, it's definitely worth the time to watch. 

He follows one family called the Napiers. Here is a picture of them in their living room. They use newspapers for their walls. Each of his pictures have so many fascinating details. These are people who like the way they live and wouldn't live in the, "mainstream" world if they could.

Part Deux

FYI-This is a continuation of the previous post. Blah, blah, blah, I'm at the beach with the kids and someone is apparently drowning...

Not sure what was going on, I took a healthy swig from my binoculars and looked again. He was clearly being swept off by a rip tide and drowning. I look to the posted sign for guidance...

Don't ask about the Farsi writing on the sign. Long story. However, the sign clearly states that, "Drowning accidents are now popular". There is also a picture of a man drowning with a slash through it. He is obviously engaging in illegal activity for the sole purpose of being popular. Well, I won't be a part of this!

I don't want the kids to think that this is acceptable behavior. It's time to pack up and get out of here before the cops come and see that I'm drunk at the beach with my kids. I look at the long trek to the car. It's sooo far! Normally I would require a sack lunch and at least one sherpa to do this. No time to hem and haw now. Time to get outta here! I've never seen those kids pack up so fast. We were in the car and on the road in minutes.

I'm not sure what ever became of Steve, but at least there is a happy ending to this story. I got home safely and third strike free!

Full Speedo Ahead!

Being the exceptional mother that I am, I took my little darlings to the beach today. I had them pack a nice lunch for us to enjoy as we take in the sun and savor the last few days of summer. I checked and had no court dates or drug tests today, so why not?

It's crazy how much stuff you need to pack just for a few hours at the beach. Between the picnic basket, towels, umbrella, beach chairs, sand toys, sunscreen, bottle of vodka concealed in my "binocular" flask, magazines, etc, etc....it must have taken the kids at least an hour to pack everything. I'm not sure exactly how long it took as I was busy getting my hair right. 

Well, we finally got out there and found the perfect spot to set up camp. It must have taken the kids about 20 minutes to get us all set up and who do I see right behind us? My probation officer from ten years ago, Steve. Great!! He's gonna see me with the kids and think it's a kidnapping. He never trusted me. 

I figured he wouldn't recognize me as I regularly change my appearance for instances just like this. Anyway, he gets up and walks towards us. I don't move an inch as if I'm some sort of possum playing dead, hoping this predator will not see me. Luckily, he went past us and got in the water. Phew!! 

I continue reading my mag as my son continues fanning me. All of a sudden we hear this blood curdling scream. It's Steve! He's drowning or something. There are no lifeguards here! What to do? 

This post is already too long for the attention span of my readers. I will have to tell you the rest of the story tomorrow. 

Words to Live By

I have been out of town and have gotten SO behind on my blog stuff. Sorry if I haven't replied to you or something. I know that you (my fans) like to schedule your day around my actions and that your life has a certain void when I'm not there for you. Take comfort, my friends! I'm back!! 

I don't really have any words of wisdom for you all today. I will be back in the groove of things tomorrow. I just wanted to leave you with an image from the Olympics that pretty much sums up how I live my life. 

Don't worry, my sheep, I will be back tomorrow to dump some more of my pearls of wisdoms upon you.

Check This Out!! OMG!!!

Chelle B. from a really offensive blog, called, "The Offended Blogger", has started up a great new site called, "humorbloggers.com". It's pretty much THE place to find the funniest mother f*%#ers on the internet! 

I am excited about being a part of this site, "humorbloggers.com". If you want to laugh so hard that you can't make noise (you know that laugh), you have to get off your ass and go to, "humorbloggers.com". If you want to be bored out of your mind, then DON'T visit, "humorbloggers.com". If you want to be a friendless loser, then don't click on this "humorbloggers.com" link right now.

It's your choice! If you don't click on the link, "humorbloggers.com", I promise you I will shamelessly mock you on this very site. I get fives of readers every day, so don't mess with me! 

Are you STILL here?? Get off my site right now and just go to hell, then.

Adults Only, Please!

Created by OnePlusYou - Online Dating Service

Yesterday I found out what my blog is rated. It turns out that you have to be over 17 or accompanied by an adult or guardian to read about my adventures. This is kind of stressful! That's a lot of responsibility to heap on me all at once. I'll tell you what, let's just do it on the honor system, okay? I trust you guys! 

I'm disappointed, frankly, to be just an "R". I thought I was more of a badass than that. Here are the reasons for my "R" rating:

The word, "ass" appears in my blog 6 times

I also said, "bitch" 3 times.

2 times for the word, "death" and "knife" once

I happen to remember putting the word, "shit" in a previous post. And, no, I didn't write, "sh*#" either. I wrote the real deal, because I'm crazy like that. Why didn't they care about my, "shit" and give me an NC-17?

Little bitches!! 

Shit, shit, shit, shit, fuck, fuck, asshole, mother fucker!!

And in honor of the Olympics...shuttlecock! 

Now, who has an NC-17 rating! I can play your game.

Life Lessons

Yesterday the restraining order was lifted and I can now take Devin to soccer practice again! I really do enjoy that, because it gives me some time to myself. Oh yeah! and make up mean things to say about the other moms for this blog. 

Who am I kidding! I think up mean things about everyone! It makes me feel so much better than everyone else. It pretty much confirms my greatness!

I'm gonna talk about my son in a second and it reminds me that forgot to add a birthday song for him in my last post. So, you must click below and play my shorty's birthday song. JUST DO IT!

Anyway, back to my alone time watching my daughter practice. The only problem is that Zack hates it there and bugs me with questions about when we are going to leave and he just plain can't stay still. 

So, today I came prepared. I brought him a little chair, his own copy of People Magazine, water, some smacks and a ukulele.  That worked for about five minutes, and then he was back to his questions again! 

"Is it time to go yet?"

"I'm bored"

"I wanna go home now!"

"Why is that man walking around with only a trench coat on?"

"What's a ukulele anyway?"

Over and over and over again!! I'm busy reading about Brad and Angie's twins! I can't just drop everything and play with my child. I told him to go join a club or something. Or better yet, why not make fun of the other little sisters and brothers and break their spirits? Everyone needs something to talk to their therapist about when they're older. He would be doing them a favor.

So, the chip off the old block went over and tried to beat up one boy. (I should have mentioned that he needs to only pick on people who are smaller than he is, but I think he learned this lesson the hard way.)  Then, he started making fun of another girl's name and she ran off in tears. 

I'm so proud of my son! Good job, Zackie!!

National Holiday-I Don't Think We Get Mail Today!

I would like to step out of my crazy alter ego who is the author of this blog. This is regular Kirsten, and I'm not as funny or entertaining as the good reverend is, so be warned!

I just wanted to dedicate my post today to my son, Zackie. He turns five today and he pretty much thinks he's the shit!(and he is)  We had a great party at our house for him on saturday. Luckily, I threw the party and not that crazy ass author of this blog. There we no pimp cups or police activity involved. The only craziness was to be expected I guess. A posse of boy kindergarteners plus a lot of sugar equals not fun.(for me)  Zack didn't want to invite any girls, because girls are gross. Duh!

I also made him a Spiderman cake. I'll bet Alpha mom doesn't do that! 

I couldn't resist putting a picture up of both my kids and be one of those moms who think everyone else gives a crap about my kids and what they look like and what they're up to. So, just look at them! NOW! Adorable. I'm not biased or anything. It's just a statement of fact.

So Happy Birthday Zackie! I love you more than you could ever know! Wait a minute! Why am I writing this? He can't even read! (I'll bet alpha mom's kids played the piano and got accepted to college when they were five.) My kid's better looking, and that's what really counts. (Oooops, a little of the reverend got in there for a minute) 

Hot Child in the Suburbs!!

I got an award for being the best blog on the net or something like that. Here it is:

For those of you who aren't familiar with this honor, it is The Pulitzer Prize of the internet. By receiving this award, I am accepting the fact that I have made the world a better place. Anyway, thank you to one of my favorite blogs, Hot Child in the Suburbs for this recognition! If you don't read her everyday, you're a loser.

Of course this honor comes with rules. They're none of your business, but here goes...

l. The award may be displayed on a winner’s blog.

2. Add a link to the person who you received the award from.

3. Nominate up to seven other blogs.

4. Then add their links to your blog.

5. Add a message to each person that you have passed the award on to in the comments section of their blog.

I would like to thank Athena for this award! She really went all out for my party, black tie and everything! Also for the four course meal and giant ice sculpture of me! You're the best!

Now, for my nominations!!

LOBO over at Predator Press has a particularly funny post today on how to make a successful blog. It made me laugh out loud. He's always a good read, so if you don't go there now, you're stupid.

Another great blog that I make sure to read every day is MammaDawg's. She is a true pimp and knows how to make a comic genius like myself laugh every day.

This is a blog that I just discovered recently and love. Alice over at Honey Pie is always a good read. She also leaves some pretty funny comments and I love that!

Sorry, no dinner parties or ice sculptures for you guys, but being mentioned on my fabulous blog and being added to my blog roll is quite an honor. I don't have to tell you that!

 

What the Hell Kind of Name is Rulon Anyway?

Since I know that all of you look up to me, I will share with you today the book I am currently reading. It is called, "Under the Banner of Heaven" by Jon Krakauer. I love non-fiction and he has written a couple of other books that I really enjoyed. It is about those nutty fundamentalist mormons (FLDS); not to be confused with the traditional Mormon religion. These are the ones that the women have the Elvis hairdos and the Little House on the Prairie dresses. Here are some, "sister wives":

The book gives an interesting history of the Mormon faith of which I knew little before. It then describes how these fundamentalists broke off from the traditional church and created their own communities, so they could practice plural marriage and a bunch of other bullshit crap. (was that out loud?)

Their current "prophet" is named Warren Jeffs and doesn't he look good in blue? He's in jail for child rape. Great prophet ya got there. 

His father, Rulon Jeffs, was the prophet before. Here he is with two of his nineteen wives. He also fathered sixty children. 

Those girls are children! It's disgusting! I know what you're thinking, "How could he make those girls wear those awful outfits?!" 

I'm not down with these fundamentalists, but they're not ALL bad. There are a few things that I can turn a blind eye to like:

1. The whole multiple wives thing. (I would be the fave sister wife and could boss the other girls around-Not bad!)

2. Children being forced to marry some old man, usually an uncle or something like that. 

3. These girls have to procreate over and over and over again.

4. "Total submission" to all men, no matter what. 

5. Having sexual relations with someone of the "African Race" is punishable by death. Number four is punishable by death too, by the way.

6."The Lost Boys"-I don't feel like explaining it now for those of you who don't know who they are. Just trust me, it's a bad thing.

Those things aren't bad, but the clothing and hair are unacceptable! Mrs. Ingalls dresses and '80's Aquanet hair cannot continue! They can only wear pastels and not many of us can get away with pastels without getting washed out. They also can't wear make-up. Something must be done.

I'm also willing to bet than none of those women have a decent bikini wax. It's absolutely disgusting!

Shaken, Not Stirred

I sometimes like to do these little quizzes that tell you about yourself. I decided to take the, "What mixed drink are you?" quiz. I learned a little too much about myself!

You Are a Martini

There's no other way to say it: you're a total lush. You hold your liquor well, and you hold a lot of it!

What Mixed Drink Are You?

I don't have a problem, blogthings.com!!! You suck! I can stop drinking anytime I want. I just don't feel like it. That time with the gardening shears and the David Hasselhoff CD was a freak accident.

By the way, what's wrong with a martini? Why do you hate martinis too? You have a lot of rage and hate in your heart, don't you? Go talk to your therapist about it before you go taking your hate out on me! You obviously have to make others feel bad about themselves so your self-hate doesn't consume you! You are so transparent, blogthings! I feel sorry for you.

If I were a big lush, I would go get a martini right now, but I'M NOT! I'm getting a mojito. Take that smarty-pants blogthings! You think you know me!

Besides, if you are bitter that you have no friends and I have over 500, sorry Charlie!! They are so devoted to me that they have all saved up for me to go to a great spa vacation next week. I haven't heard of it, but it's called Hazeldon and I'm gonna love it! Take that, loser!

My Award Shelf Runneth Over

I have recently received some well deserved awards! I am running out of space for these objects symbolizing my greatness. 

First off, I got the prestigious Zucchini Award for excellence in caption writing. This was kindly given to me by Da Old Man. Please go check him out and see who else won. Here it is....

I also received the AmyOops Award from Tommy at emailrubbish. Thank you so much! I can never get enough compliments! This award comes with rules of course! Now, I have to send it on to other fabulous blogs.

One blog that always makes me laugh (and well written) is the fly at After Dinner Mint. Now, don't let this go to your head, fly boy!

Another deserving my recognition is Wit's Bitch. Always funny and entertaining. That's why she always up there on humor-blogs.com

This is getting difficult, I hate talking about people other than myself!

One person is very helpful and positive and I love her site. It's BeesMusings. She is hilarious and is always there for a positive word!

I also love Nanny Goats in Panties! Always a good read! Check her out. 

Lastly, I also love to read Kitty Concerto. She also has a book club!!

All of these blogs are so good that I have officially added all of them to my blog roll.

It Takes a Village

A few months ago, with summer quickly approaching, I was researching summer camps for my daughter, Devin. I can't be having my kids around all summer long. As Hilary Clinton said, "It takes a village to raise a child". I really take that to heart and as a result there are many villagers who care for my kids. 

I go to the obvious place to get information, my bible, People Magazine. Of course I immediately find the perfect place, especially for this soccer mom. 

All I had to read was that little Maddox Jolie-Pitt goes to The David Beckham Soccer Academy which is not far from my house. DONE DEAL! That's all I need to know. 

Maddox and Devin will be best friends, then start dating, then get married and have beautiful little multi-racial children. That means that my grandkids will raise my social status exponentially! Everyone knows that multi-racial children are a must-have. Just ask Madonna or Meg Ryan. (I was going to say that multi-racial kids where the new black, but I thought that might come off wrong.)

Wait a minute! How did I get from summer camps for a seven year old, to grandkids? Back on topic, I decided not to enroll Devin in that soccer camp because the next People Magazine informed me that the Jolie-Pitt clan was in France this summer. Maybe next year for the whole David Beckham thing. Besides, I hear that Gwen Stefani's son is going to chess camp this summer. Devin will learn to love it!