10/20/2008

Best of, Part Three

Don't Tase Me Bro!

Let me preface this post by saying that this is part three of the last two posts, so if you're new you might be confused. Ahem...

So Alpha mom herself comes over and asks me for some bank for some wack fundraiser for one of the girls on the team who has leukemia or brain cancer or something like that. Waaa Waaa! We all have problems lady! So, just to get her out of my grill, I tossed her a Washington and told her to keep on steppin'.

Now I really need another sip of "water" from my pimp cup. (My water is stone cold Grey Goose, biotches! You know this!)

I guess I got a little rowdy and, "verbally abusive" with some of the girls. I also heard things like, "drunk in public" and "lewd acts" mentioned as well. So, Alpha starts buggin' and actually has the balls to come over and suggest I've been drinking! She says in her lame, mom jeans voice, "I can smell it on your breath!". I called bullshit on that right away. "You can't smell vodka on one's breath!" I really showed her! I topped it off with a, "Hey, can you get your jeans up higher under your armpits?" and a, "The eighties called and wants their perm back!".

I was nice! I could have mentioned that her husband, Sheldon, is cheating on her with Angela who works the Icee machine at the bowling alley downtown. Actually, come to think of it, I might have mentioned it right before the cops came and hogtied me in front of everyone, even the girls. But, I didn't spill one damn bit of my Grey Goose! It seemed to be a big deal, because then I heard a ghetto bird (police helicopter-for those of you ignoramuses who don't know the lingo) coming. I must be really important!

Now, everyone has to admit that I have some serious street cred now. Devin was so proud that she had tears of joy running down her face!

Okay, here is where my obsession with the tv show, "COPS" comes in handy. Whenever they pick up some prostitute or crack dealer, they always flash their toothless grin and say the same thing. So I knock 'em out with, "Hey officer! I ain't got no priors!" I'm sure it will get me better treatment. Said cop was not impressed and shoved me in the back seat of his car while he went over to talk to Alpha and hear her bullshit story.

The long and short of it is that my husband ended up having to bail me out of jail on some trumped up charges of "assault and battery", "drunk in public", "urinating in public" and "postal fraud". I'm kind of confused about the last one, but I was frankly in a blackout and might have tried to mail something without the proper postage or something.

On another thought, you know how the bail bondsmen commercials show the concerned wife getting the phone call in the middle of the night and goes into the friendly, clean bail bonds office with her little kid and gets her hubby out and everyone holds hands and sings cumbaya? Well, I'm here to tell you that it doesn't quite work out that way.

My husband wasn't down with my newfound street cred. (I'm way badder than that poser Martha Stewart anyway) But, it all turned out okay because when I got home, the kids were crying, so at least they were proud and happy, and as a good mom, that's all that really counts!

Peace out!

If you guys have a heart at all and think this post deserves a smiley, I would appreciate it! It's actually part of my probation.

224 comments:

1 – 200 of 224   Newer›   Newest»
Chat Blanc (aka Sandy) said...

Rev Doc, you ROCK! Way to show all those baby mommas what's what! You schooled them GOOD!

momjeansblogger said...

@sandy-You know this!! If you have any problems, I got your back, sista!

Alice said...

You realize that you could totally be a rapper now.

True dat.

TheFLy said...

I would have been more impressed if you got shot nine times, then tazed, then maced in the face, and then finally say "Fuck the PO-leece!" As you were being carted away bleeding. Maybe next time, haha


buzz buzz

dani c said...

Mmmmmmmm...I love Grey goose. That's a girls best friend, or at least her best friend for the moment.

mammadawg.com said...

Shut. Up. LOL - girl, I am LMAO over here. "I ain't got no priors!"

And what are you doing with that Grey Goose over there - I know you ain't holding out on me. I LOVE me some Goose.

heh heh - but next time you see Alpha, could you do me a favor and whisper to her:

"Hey - I didn't know you were tight with Angela? I keep seeing your car over at her - oh wait - my bad. I think it might actually be your hubby's car."

just bob said...

I soooooo luv Reno 9111... what a great show!!!

Athena said...

Damn, girl, mad props! I didn't know you were so down! Next time I'm in a flight light, can I call a girl up?

kittyconcerto.com said...

Urinating in public?!?! Please tell me you peed on her sorry Alpha ass.

You have so much street cred that you can legally hang with my husband who I have dubbed "Nickel Cent" because at 15 one of his buddies shot his ass. For fun. My husband didn't think it was funny.

OB. That's your name. Omega Bitch. :)

Diesel said...

Ok, ok, you get a smiley. But only because of the probation thing.

FlowerGirl said...

You are hilarious... I've got two in soccer and I'm goin to start working on my street cred with the other soccer biotches - ha! I guess it all starts with a pimp cup, right??

Kirsten said...

@alice-holla!

@thefly-I'll take that into consideration next time.

@dani-truer words have never been said!

@mamadawg-I'll let her know!

@just bob- I know! Those short shorts never get old for me.

@athena-Of course, girl!

@kitty-Your husband sounds like a bad ass!!

@diesel-thanks for helping a sister out with probation!

@flowergirl-You MUST have a pimp cup!

Harris said...

hey kirsten,

funny story...but why you showin' Lt. Dangle when referencing COPS?

though that is funnier than showing a toothless crackhead...actually, hmmm..

rock on,

aitch

Kirsten said...

@Harris-even though I've seen Lt. Dangle in those shorts 100 times, it's still funny to me. I also couldn't find a good toothless crackhead picture. My family photos are at my sister's house.

Jenn Thorson said...

Hey, welcome back, Kirsten.

PS- I agree with you about Lt. Dangle. It's always funny.

Anonymous said...

I needs me a beyotch like you to hold the fort down. I would definetly look forward to coming home to momma then!

kirs10dee said...

@jenn-Thanks! Yes, Dangle is never not funny!

@anonymous-Of course someone who likes me has to stay anonymous! :)

HappyHippieHouswife said...

I am wondering if curly blonde mom jeans is me? And then I keep thinking of your husband's big hairy saggy ball sack in my INBOX!!!
Where is my wine?
Who is the biotch now, BIOTCH????
I am gonna kick your ass!
U sure your readers can handle the hippie????

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