You guys are not going to believe what I found out about my family history! I have always been told that my family roots can be traced to two countries; Ireland and Germany. I know this to be true because I like to drink a lot of beer; my ancestrial footprint, if you will.
This all came about yesterday when a nice Nigerian gentleman called me on the phone. I didn't recognize the number, so I almost didn't answer, however, the fates must have intervened and I did.
The long and short of it is that it turns out that my great grandmother (who told everyone that she was German, and went so far as to give birth to and raise my grandpa in Germany itself) was actually the Queen of Nigeria for a time!
He continues to explain that there was a secret coup tuesday and the entire royal family was killed. I am the sole heir to not only the royal jewel, but also $32 million dollars. I can't believe that I'm part Nigerian. I don't look it. I can't even tan.
Obviously I'm bursting with questions about my people! He keeps trying to redirect the conversation back to the money issue. I'm royalty, dammit, and I want answers!
"How is it to live in the middle of the jungle?", I ask.
"I live in a city. We have cities and everything here! Now, as far as securing your money, there are a few things that you will need to do. Before you can get your money, you need to pay me $50,000 for various taxes, attorney fees and transaction fees...", he tries to continue.
"Have you ever gotten caught in one of those booby traps that get your foot and flip it up and you end up hanging upside down?" using my vast knowledge of African culture and traditions that I got from, "George of the Jungle" growing up. Who knew that that would come in handy one day? I hate it when Americans make embarrassing generalities about other cultures. It just makes us look stupid and narrow minded in front of the world.
"Please, madam...", he tries again.
"How do you speak so well with that giant disc in your lower lip?", I inquire.
"What are you talking about? I'm going to need you to wire the money to me immediately.", he says.
"I notice that your country isn't landlocked. Since black people can't swim, how do you handle that?", I ask.
"I really need this money by friday.", he stubbornly continues.
"Seriously! Have you ever seen, "Survivor"? The black guy never can swim. Do you remember Gervase? By the way, do you know him? I've always been a fan."
"Not all black people know each other! "
"Do you speak in that messed up clicking language? I hope not, because that's kind of emabarrassing.", I say.
"Lady!!! This isn't even worth the time.", and he HANGS UP ON ME!! Me! Royalty!
As soon as I get him back on the phone and send him the $50,000, I'll show him! Maybe I'll even travel to Nigeria and make my claim to the royal family. This could be quite an adventure!! I'll get a fabulous safari outfit and I hope you'll join me. Maybe I'll learn a thing or two.
NOTE TO SELF: Don't forget pimp cup.