I'm Gonna Be Rich! Jealous?

You guys are not going to believe what I found out about my family history! I have always been told that my family roots can be traced to two countries; Ireland and Germany. I know this to be true because I like to drink a lot of beer; my ancestrial footprint, if you will.

This all came about yesterday when a nice Nigerian gentleman called me on the phone. I didn't recognize the number, so I almost didn't answer, however, the fates must have intervened and I did.

The long and short of it is that it turns out that my great grandmother (who told everyone that she was German, and went so far as to give birth to and raise my grandpa in Germany itself) was actually the Queen of Nigeria for a time!

He continues to explain that there was a secret coup tuesday and the entire royal family was killed. I am the sole heir to not only the royal jewel, but also $32 million dollars. I can't believe that I'm part Nigerian. I don't look it. I can't even tan.

Obviously I'm bursting with questions about my people! He keeps trying to redirect the conversation back to the money issue. I'm royalty, dammit, and I want answers!

"How is it to live in the middle of the jungle?", I ask.

"I live in a city. We have cities and everything here! Now, as far as securing your money, there are a few things that you will need to do. Before you can get your money, you need to pay me $50,000 for various taxes, attorney fees and transaction fees...", he tries to continue.

"Have you ever gotten caught in one of those booby traps that get your foot and flip it up and you end up hanging upside down?" using my vast knowledge of African culture and traditions that I got from, "George of the Jungle" growing up. Who knew that that would come in handy one day? I hate it when Americans make embarrassing generalities about other cultures. It just makes us look stupid and narrow minded in front of the world.

"Please, madam...", he tries again.

"How do you speak so well with that giant disc in your lower lip?", I inquire.

"What are you talking about? I'm going to need you to wire the money to me immediately.", he says.

"I notice that your country isn't landlocked. Since black people can't swim, how do you handle that?", I ask.

"I really need this money by friday.", he stubbornly continues.

"Seriously! Have you ever seen, "Survivor"? The black guy never can swim. Do you remember Gervase? By the way, do you know him? I've always been a fan."

"Not all black people know each other! "

"Do you speak in that messed up clicking language? I hope not, because that's kind of emabarrassing.", I say.

"Lady!!! This isn't even worth the time.", and he HANGS UP ON ME!! Me! Royalty!

As soon as I get him back on the phone and send him the $50,000, I'll show him! Maybe I'll even travel to Nigeria and make my claim to the royal family. This could be quite an adventure!! I'll get a fabulous safari outfit and I hope you'll join me. Maybe I'll learn a thing or two.

NOTE TO SELF: Don't forget pimp cup.

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tiffany1377 said...

That's some seriously funny shit!! I love it. I love to talk to telemarketer until I piss them off enough to hang up on me. Good times!

(not that I'm at all suggesting your phone call wasn't authentic...I have no doubt that you actually are royalty) hehehe.

Solei said...

Ahahahahahahaha!!! I loved that!!! HE hung up on YOU!!! Hilarious stuff!
thanks for the much needed laugh!

feefifoto said...

Of all the nerve, hanging up on royalty. Off with his head!

Chat Blanc said...

do you get a crown for the $50,000?? one that matches your pimp cup would be awesome!

Deb said...

"How do you speak so well with that giant disc in your lower lip?", I inquire." - That's the part that got me! I always thought it was a plate: Put the food on it, tip your head back, and yipee, those little locust things they eat just slide right down! Hand's free eatin'!

Kirsten said...

@tiffany- You know I AM royalty. At least I chose to believe that part of the call.

@solei-anytime!!! :)

@feefifoto-I know! He has some nerve!

@chat blanc-I didn't even think about it. If it doesn't match, then I'll just have one made.

@deb-I didn't realize those plates actually served a purpose!! Interesting!

TheFLy said...

Click clack, clickity click clack clack ploop plap plick click click clacky click clack clack clickity click.

Translation: "Give me $50,000 dollars because I said so. Oh, and you're royalty"

Well, when you make it big dont forget the unroyal people, like me. :)

buzz buzz

Jenn Thorson said...

Um-- Shouldn't that be QUEEN Reverend Doctor Kirsten Valentine?


Her Royal Highness Reverend Doctor Kirsten Valentine?

Though you might need a smaller font to fit it all in. :)

Heinous said...

Lol...that's too funny. Congrats on your unexpected royalty. Hopefully you won't have to do the lip thing for the 32 million.

If you learn the snare trap thing, can you show me?

Bill said...

You're definitely Queen of Comedy - that was a terrific sendup of those Nigerians wanting money scams. (Oh sorry, of course it wasn't a scam, Your Majesty!)

QuirkyLoon said...

Aw gee, it's a scam? I just mailed the cashier's check today!

Stoopid stoopid stoopid stoopid me!

You and Tom Mabe need to get together.

That was a good one. Me likey.

Vixx said...

Ha! Brilliant!
Have you ever been on Thepolanskishow.blogspot.com?
I think you'd like him, his humour I mean.

Vodka Mom said...

that was damn funny.

Da Old Man said...

So, you are Queen Mother Reverand Doctor Kirsten Valentine.

Cool beans.

Once yhou have taken the crown, could you confer a title on me?

Not like prince or anything like that, I was thinking Baron. I could be Baron Von Crotchety.

kev said...

First off, thanks for visiting my site. I trust you were as impressed with its awesomeness as I was impressed with your site's hilarity. ;-)

"How do you speak so well with that giant disc in your lower lip?" So funny, and such a difficult look to pull off. You have to have a striking nose, or else the disc completely dominates your face. Believe me, I know.

Kritta22 said...

I just stumbled on your site. I love it!! Can you pay this guy $50,000 so that you could have an AWESOME giveaway...like tickets to London (your cousins house) or maybe just a million dollars. That would be nice. Just a thought.

jenboglass said...

This was scream funny! They actually called, huh? Get your passport ready!

LuckyMe said...

OMG. You are so funny. Love the graphics.

Sensei said...

Kirsten! I received the same call a few months back. I thought I was the only remaining member of the royal family. So imagine my joy when I read your post.

I have a sister! And it's you!

Sent my $50 grand a some time ago. Haven't heard anything back yet. I'm sure they're just busy. Working on a family reunion now. I'll let you know.

Howard Bannister said...

OMG! We're totally related--you, me and Sensei! I just got an e-mail about it!

Do you remember which are the routing numbers? Are those the ones before the colon or afterward?

GumbyTheCat said...


The douchebag deserved no less.

kittyconcerto.com said...

LMAO!!! Definitely don't forget your pimp cup. You wouldn't want to show up and not look like royalty.

Kirsten said...

@thefly-You know I won't forget you!

@jenn-You're right! My name is going to be so long! I have too many titles. I guess that means I'm a very important person.

@heinous-I might just do the lip thing for 32 million! Is that what it's called?! A snare trap, huh? I guess george of the jungle never referred to it by name.

@Bill-Sir! I don't know what you're talking about! Commoner! :)

@quirkyloon-I LOVE Tom Mabe! He is a man before his time!

@vixx-I will check it out! Thanks.

@vodka mom-Thanks sistah!

@da old man-Baron von crotchety has a ring to it. How does the baroness feel about it?

@kev-I'm not going to ask how you know, but I'll keep that in mind. BTW, I loved your blog.

@kritta-Sure! As soon as I get the dinero, I will work on that.

@jenboglass-I got my passport ready, for sure.


@sensei-I'm not not surprised that we're related. You look kinda like me in your avatar pic.

@howard-Silly boy! They're AFTER the colon!

@gumby-Tell me about it! I wish I could do a lot more! Within the law of course! :)

@kittyconcerto-Yeah! I wouldn't want to look stupid!

mrsmouthy said...

Long live the queen! (and her impoverished family line)

Just found your blog today and I'm loving it. Thanks for the LOLs!