10/16/2008

Before I go, I just wanted you to know..


I normally am not a proponent of violence, I just love helping people..that is all. I am a giver. Today is my last day here. Ohh..please don't cry (well I could use your tears to make beer)..nevermind..cry..cry..cry! Ok..now pull yourself together! While I have enjoyed doping up you bloggers with behavioral problems, I do have to go back to my blog. Or my readers will hang me up by my apron strings. I also have some minivans that need ran over...over there. The world has been infested lately with them. So on with the questions:

Bill asked,
Dear Jamie, "What would Jamie do if the power went off and she had no cold beer and her pills were all gone? And her suburban was OUT OF GAS?"
Well Bill, that would be no problem. I have a waterwheel that generates my power to cool my beer. I have spiral tubes that deliver the water and air into the axle of the wheel where it is led off through a water seal to a static rising pipe, which delivers water to the header tank..oh never mind. Short version..I would use hydropower to cool my beer. Since I am the only one within miles with hydropower, I would control the market..I would have the niche. So I would barter my cold brews for pills and gas.
Eve asked,
Dear Jamie, "I have "friend" who claims to have gotten an STD from a chat room. Do you think there is any truth to that?"
What? Have you been going through my mail and medical records again? EVE! *Cough* I mean, well sure I have personal experience heard of this very thing happening. It is best prevented by always using Virus Protection before you sign into a chat room.

Fly asked,
Dear Jamie, "What would Jamie do when the world is over run by zombie hordes and the liquor and pharmacy is crowded by zombies?"

Well, first off...I don't personally fight zombies. I don't like to getting my oven mitts or aprons dirty. I have a couple of cronies who do my dirty work. I have a pirate, Capt. LeatherFace, and Dwight. Capt. LeatherFace does all the scrapping, and the putting in Davy's grip. While Dwight is my lead homeland security advisor and strategist. He plans and plots all my attacks on zombies, old ladies, and landlubbers. So word to the wise..don't cross me Fly.

Offended Blogger asked,
Dear Jamie, "What would Jamie do if she hit the lottery? Would she loan me $20 or tell me to piss off? I mean, that's what I'd do to her.
Well, Offended Blogger. If $20 is all you need, I would suggest you up your "service fees" to all your Johns. You could make up $20 in a dark alley in less than 5 minutes. My first purchase would be a Special Ice maker. You can click on the link to find out what that is.

Llilaphase asked,
Dear Jamie, " to the a , etc., - What would you do if you got a call from one of the presidential candidates asking you to join him on the ticket as a vp nominee?

Did I get the call before or after they did a background check on me? Hmmm, I think I would first ask a few question/demands. Like..do they have a Special Ice Maker on Air Force One? If not, could they pay someone to have one accompany me at all times? With Pepsi of course. Since I grew up in Alaska, I am sure I would have to make Palin proud and give it a go at campaigning in pumps. My campaign signs would have to read: "The Hussy Housewife for VP" and "The coldest state, hottest VP nominee..vote Jamie", or "WWJD" and "VPILF" There would be no lipstick jokes though, I don't wear makeup. I also would be hiding more than birth control in my updo.
Signed,
J to the M to the E

Disclaimer: No, I can not actually tell you how to kill your husband. That is illegal under under United States Criminal Law code: 18 U.S.C. § 2, aiding and abetting . It would make me an accessory to murder even though I did not actually participate in the commission of the crime. Sorry ladies. But....if you do feel underappreciated , I do know a good hit man..email me ☺

8 comments:

Heinous said...

I'll fight zombies too if there's beer in it after. I don't mix zombie killing and drinking.

I'd better make sure my wife doesn't read this blog. The crappy hitmen never worked, but if you know a good one...

steenky bee said...

Oh sister! You do NOT want to fight zombies. And you really don't want to fight a zombie with an STD. (That can be taken two ways, the zombie could have the STD or you would have to fight the clean zombie while you have an STD) Either way, there's gonna be some gore and hopefully some antibiotics.

tiffany1377 said...

Great posts Jamie! Thanks for all the entertainment this week!!

Jamie said...

heinous- I thought that was the rule, you have to be drunk to fight zombies? NOw I guess I have to go back and read the rule book again. Oh, and I already sent your wife a link..so sleep with one eye open!

steenky bee- Thanks for the heads up, that is why I send my prate out to do the dirty work..then I make him pee in a cup when he gets home!!

Tiffany- Your welcome! Kriten better be bringing me back a shot glass! If you get withdrawls, you can always go visit me at my blog...you know doctors say you have to ween your self off my drugs or you could DIE! Saftey first.

Chat Blanc said...

Damn girl! That's a batch of the bestest advice I've heard all day. :D

Bill said...

Ha ha - LOVED your answer to Chelle. And I'm relieved to hear you could cope with a power shortage, because I'd hate to see you sober and straight. The world is not ready! :>)

Jamie said...

Chat- LOL! Now drop your money in my piggy bank!!!

Bill- Shhh..don't tell Chelle :) LOL, well ok then..I will be foreced to drink and dope up still..your order has been places!

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