I Know My Rights!

For those of you not familiar with my blog, I have some good friends called Debra and Steve. Here is some background on them. Anyway, they are a nice white trash couple that I like to check in on every once in a while. Apparently, they have been arguing a lot lately and officers had to pay them a visit AGAIN.

Luckily, Steve is an out of work lawyer who knows his rights! I give you, Steve the lawnmower guy...

Mom's Fave of the Week

As usual, it was pretty difficult to pick mom's favorite this week. I would like to start off with a few honorable mentions.

mooooog35 from Mental Poo had a good one with,

Jim slips by the Olympic substance abuse rules undetected.

Shawn from The Shark Tank said,

A compelling argument against the theory of evolution.

Angry Max from Pterodactyl Puke with,

"The professional sport of Running in the Opposite Direction of Chickens just wasn't working out for the young rookie."

Bill's Bayou with,

Gordon Ramsey has a nervous breakdown and decides to stuff the chickens in the middle of the restaurant.

Rubbish with,

Does my bum look big in this?

And the winner is Staci from Just Blogged with

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he was taped to some naked guy's crotch.

Bizarre Accident with Grandma

My grandma is really excited about her new "Hoveround". Ever since she got in an accident and busted up her old one, she has been wanting a new one. Here she is giving me the look of death as I stop laughing long enough to take this picture. Come on! You would do the same.

Anyway, the day has come that she got her new ride. I love my grandma and all, but does she have to ride around looking like eBay threw up all over her?

I Dare You to Even Try!

Caption this for 1000 EC credits and the Mom Likes Me Best Award.

Not Good

I found out yesterday, in kind of a harsh way, that my neighbor hates me. I was really down in the dumps all day long, so I decided to go down to the local bar and have a few. I ran into a friend of mine and we ended up staying out until last call. I don't remember much, but I did drive home and park in the garage. Unfortunately, I parked in that neighbor's garage by mistake. Great! He hasn't seen it yet, but I think he's gonna have a problem with it. How can I play this off?

I'm FOR SURE gonna get a call from the homeowner's association.

Would You Like to be my Neighbor?

My neighborhood is the best! We all get along so well together. For example, I have recently taken up playing the drums. I like to practice late at night in the backyard. My neighbors are really supportive. I can even hear them yelling and singing along while I play.

Wait a minute...

And the Winner is...

It's getting more and more difficult to pick a winner each week! I get so many good ones. Thanks to everyone for participating! For those of you who didn't participate, you'll just have to sit back and reflect upon your character flaws that made you feel it not necessary to play along and ruin it for everyone.

HONORABLE MENTION:

Rubbish with

It was the ultimate playground scam, let him think he's winning whilst our accomplice sneaks up behind him with a shank.

Da Old Man with

"Soccer Mom is the best. Say it beotch. Say it!!!"

Bill's Bayou with

The power of Christ compels you!
The power of Christ compels you!
The power of Christ compels you!

Lola with

I do NOT look like Danny Bonaduce!

TAKE IT BACK!

And now the winner is Diesel with

"You told me bowl cuts were cool, you bastard!"

You all win the coveted Sheriff Star Award:

Deep Thought of the Day

I love Jack Handey's Deep Thoughts. I thought I would make you laugh with a couple today. BTW, if you don't laugh, then get out because you don't have my sense of humor. Here's one:

"The face of a baby says it all.
Especially the mouth part."

Here's another one. You're welcome. Now take on the day!

Caption This, Schoolyard Edition

The Wearing O' the Puke

It's that time of year again! Since I do have 50% Irish blood in me and "Guinness is good for you", I get knock back a few today. At least I have the option, whether I do it or not.

Happy St. Paddy's day to everyone!

Good Monday to You!

I survived the weekend quite well. After no wine all week, I let myself indulge all I wanted for the past couple of days. Except for a couple of unfortunate dance choices, I didn't get too crazy and embarrass myself.

Now I'm back to no drinking again.

It looks like I'm gonna have a case of "The Mondays".

Just saying...

Exciting News!

I have to step out of my badass persona for a minute to tell you about a great new blog that you have to check out. Actually, you have to make all the 8 year old girls you know check out. It's my daughter's blog for girls her age. Spread the word because I have given her six months to start selling advertising to pay for her keep. College doesn't pay for itself, does it.

No Wining Until Tonite!

I made it all week without any wine! That means I can have some tonight and tomorrow. Maybe I'll be funnier with some wine in me tonight. I feel like these ladies right now. Is that wrong?

Please don't answer that question.

Anyway, I hope I don't get all Amy Winehouse on everyone tonight. I'll try to take it easy.

Wish me luck!

Winner Announced!

We got so many good entries this time that we had a hard time agreeing on a winner. Let me start with some honorable mentions. Rubbish, Crotchety Old Man, The Exaggerator and Marvel Goose had great ones.

Today we have a first! We have a tie! The co-winners of this, "Mom Likes Me Best" Award are, Eudae Mamia with,

"Joe can't figure out why he keeps getting flats. We're pretty sure it's because God doesn't dig tacky,"

and Shawn with, "

Jesus Portilla's friends were always playing these kinds of practical jokes on him."

Thanks everyone for playing!

UPDATE:I find it ironic that I got a flat tire today. Is it because of my lack of religious crap superglued to my car??

Jesus Christ!

This post serves two functions. It is a Wordless Wednesday AND a "Caption This" contest for 1000 Entecard credits. You see how I did that? Neat, huh? (Rhetorical question-If you try to answer that you will automatically be disqualified.)

Hmmmm!

You might have noticed that I'm a little crabby lately. I think it's because I'm trying to cut down on my drinking. Not that I have a problem. YOU have a problem! I just want to cut out drinking my wine during dinner on the week days. Today is day number two!!

Yes, I'm proud of myself too. But, then I saw these ladies and I think I might start drinking again.

Thoughts?

Does Mom Like You Best?

Bill, from Bill's Bayou, mused that I might have taken my toilet bike for a spin and fell in because I haven't posted for a while. I'll bet he'll feel really bad when he finds out that I had an unfortunate experience with my porta-toilet, impeding my ability to post for the past few days.

It all started on Friday afternoon when I decided to enjoy the day with a little drive through the flower fields on my contraption. I always run through the flower fields, don't you? All of a sudden, parts started falling off and it felt like I was going to crash. The rest is so disturbing and traumatic that I have blocked it all from my memory. Thanks, Bill, for making light of that situation. I hope you feel good about yourself!

Now, for the important part of my post. The awards for best caption. This is tough because I received 45 entries! Thanks to all who participated! There were so many good ones, but I have to pick just one to win.

I would like to give a few honorable mentions to some clever entries. The aforementioned Bill had some great ones. He deserves special mention for sheer numbers of entries as well. I also enjoyed captions from Jeff, Nooter (even though he made fun or me), Jenn Thorson and Shawn.

The winner has to be Bill with a few entries. He did a haiku which is always the way to my heart. I love me a funny haiku. I like to think of myself as intellectual like that. He also had a couple that made me lol, like...

Quick, Stink Boy! To the Fartmobile!

and

The "Team American Standard" vehicle for NASCRAP. It's driven by Dale Ripfardt.

Enough about Bill already! Anyone mentioned in this post gets the distinguished, "Mom Likes Me Best" Award.

What?

I thought I would mix things up and do a Caption This contest today for 1000 Entrecard credits. I have had this picture for a while to include in a post, but I just can't figure it out. Can you help me with this?

Emergency!

Do you ever get sick or have some crazy symptom and try to diagnose yourself online? Times are tough financially these days and medical visits are expensive. Who needs a doctor when we have the internet? My hypochondria (self diagnosed) really thrives in this environment. Besides, my dad is a doctor and my mom is a nurse, so this alone qualifies me to dispense medical advice freely.

That said, I had a mysterious bump behind my ear. I didn't think much of it until I realized it wasn't going away. Thanks to Wikipedia and WebMD (I got two opinions) I discovered that I had terminal melanoma!

Obviously I can't drive with a melanoma and my husband has to stay by the bathroom as he has a slight case of Cholera, so I have no way to get to the emergency room! I have no choice but to call 911 and wait for the ambulance.

UPDATE:It turns out that I should have gotten a third opinion. The city of Huntington Beach now has a suit against me for calling 911 for a zit.

Someone Needs to Get Out More

When dorks protest.

Don't Spread the Joy

I don't know why, but I feel the need to tell you about the dangers of the JOY BUZZER. Many of you think it's so funny to go around playing jokes during the greeting part of your interaction. I'm here to tell you that JOY BUZZERS are not always so funny. Many people have used this "toy" at inappropriate times with an unfortunate result.

That's all I have to say about that.