Bitch Wanted Me to Switch!

I was on edge all day today. I don't know if it's the whole 9-11 thing or if it was some sort of premonition of things to come in my household. It was just a bad day all around. 

To top it all off, I get to soccer practice and one of the complainer moms comes up to me and bitch has the balls to change snack duties with me! I am already mentally prepared to do snack on Saturday, November 8th at 2pm. Of course I can't just move it back a week! Does she want to pay for my extra day in therapy? She said, "no", so I was about to throw down! Know this! I guess I scared her, because she dropped out of her cock-a-mamey trip to Ethiopia to help build some school for kids. What the hell kind of carpenter skills does she have anyway? What the hell is she gonna build? Please!

We get home and have dinner, wind down, put the kids to bed and I go upstairs with a glass of wine. My husband goes to his office to get some work done. I'm finally relaxed when I hear a muffled scream and what sounds like a scuffle. (yes, I said scuffle) 

OMG! Someone is attacking my husband! I don't know what to do! I need a weapon. I find a heavy flashlight. It was the best I could do. Look! I'm not MacGyver, okay?!

Sorry, wrong MacGyver...

I look in the dark, down the stairs and I see a figure running frantically with such purpose up the stairs! What to do!?!?! 

Without thinking I hit the intruder over the head with this heavy flashlight. He goes down fast. Panic! I don't hear anything from downstairs. What happened to my husband? 

I turn on the light and the shadowy figure is...is...

My husband!!!! What is going on?! Please wake up!! Please tell me you're okay! Please tell me you love me! All he said before passing out again was...

"ABE.....VIGODA"

PS-You probably don't know what that means. Just read this post and you will understand.

Caption this, Bitch!

I've never done a, "caption this", but I can't come up with a good one making fun of our European friends' affection for the Speedo brief. I have no idea what the sign says, but I know some of you funny mother fu*%^$ers can come up with something good. 

Maybe I'll come up with a good award that you can display proudly on your blog. Who wouldn't want props from this soccer mom? 

Don't answer that question, just caption it already!

PS- I just realized the date and think that a lot of my fellow American bloggers are going to do some special thing for September 11th today. I did a completely superficial, brainless, not-serious post. Now I feel stupid. 

My friend, the crotchety old man has a great tribute today. Check it out.

What he said!!!

Operation "Abe Vigoda"

It's my tenth wedding anniversary on friday and I still have no idea what to get my husband. You're thinking, "Hey! Kirsten! You can't discuss this here because he will surely see it and read something you don't want him to know yet!" I know, I know! He says that he reads my blog, but I don't think he really does. As a matter of fact, let's have some fun with this. 

WARNING!  Mom, don't read any further. It would just gross us both out. Trust me. 

Is she gone?

The coast is clear! Okay, I was thinking that I could come up with some sort of code word that if he says it when he gets home from work, he'll get an immediate BJ. It has to be today! I have come up with a random celebrity's name of whom he would never refer to in normal conversation. I have chosen, "Abe Vigoda". 

This game will automatically become void if  Abe kicks it today. "Did you hear that ABE VIGODA died today?" does not count and we must start all over again. So hold on Abe!! Wait a minute! Is he alive? I think he is. 

In conclusion, if he doesn't say the code when he gets home, I will take it personally like any other red blooded woman and assume that he doesn't read my blog because he doesn't love me, never has and our whole marriage is a sham. Gentlemen, is this an overreaction? 

A Little Fun with Sarah Palin!

Meg from Prefers Her Fantasy Life

adds, "And what about his right to read books that are banned in our schools?"

LOL!

Back to the Scene of the Crime

First off, I want to give a shout out to my daughter, Devin. It's her birthday today. I don't think there is one more Jonas Brothers thing left in any store. It's all here in her room. I joke on this blog, but she's a great kid. 

We had her birthday party yesterday at, of all places, our Tae Kwon Do studio. We ended up having a great time and everyone had a lot of fun. 

But, let's bring the attention back to me. 

I was a little nervous to go back to where I blew my knee out for the first time. I was kind of embarrassed I guess. They must have known that and left a note for me at the front desk. Here it is:

OMG! So funny!! Of course, then we had a good laugh and I felt so much better! They are such tricksters!!!

I'm "Pissed" Off!!!

I'm going to admit that I'm having trouble getting used to my crutches. I fall over a lot and going to the bathroom is tough! I'm clumsy in real life, so watch out for me now! 

I had a really "crappy" experience yesterday. We went to our local fair and were enjoying a great day, when tragedy struck. I'm still pissed off about it and don't really like to talk about it. As a matter of fact, after this day, this will never be discussed or refered to again! I'm not kidding, don't bring it up because I will deny it and call you a liar.

Let's just say that I had a little trouble at the bathrooms.

Enough said...

Vicodin Don't Do S*%#!

For those of you who haven't been keeping up with me, I will catch you up. Last night at Tae Kwon Do practice, I did this...

The problem is that I didn't MEAN to do this. 

I thought my knee would be fine if I just went home and iced it overnight. However, it turns out that I don't have a medical degree and my humble plan of action totally sucked! Sorry, I'm still a little bitter. 

Thankfully, my husband stayed home from work, took the kids to school, packed lunches, the whole deal. Then he took me to a doc in the box down the street. Blah, blah, blah, more waiting, blah, blah, blah, more waiting. You know how it goes. Anyway, long story short, it's something with my meniscus. I need an MRI to tell if I need surgery. It's now friday and I have to wait until wednesday for the MRI. In the meantime, I'm sitting in bed with a bottle of Vicodin that don't seem to be doing shit! Sorry, the bitterness again. 

Thanks for letting me vent.