Old School Wisdom

Parenting tip of the day:

"Not soon enough. Laboratory tests over the last few years have proven that babies who start drinking soda during their early formative period have a much higher chance of gaining acceptance and "fitting in" during those awkward pre-teen and teen years. So, do yourself a favor. Do your child a favor. Start them on a strict regimen of sodas and other sugary carbonated beverages right now, for a lifetime of guaranteed happiness."

In your face, all you organic, no sugar moms! Who's the smart one now?!?!?!

Sorry for Being So Late!!

Sorry for not judging this past contest! I have had to be away from my blog for a few weeks. Now I'm back and ready to get on with it. I hope I have at least one reader out there left! Anyway, here goes...

Here the picture I gave you guys to work with:

Here are some great ones:


CatLadyLarew with

After the unparalleled success of his toilet paper head gear, nothing else seemed to go right with the rest of Sam's inventions.

nonamedufus with

They may have called her shit-for-brains, but Mei-Li felt she was really on to something with her latest invention intended for people who, when arguing, tend to go off in all directions.

Freak Smack with

Finally, a practical
shoe for the mermaid with fallen arches.

Bill's Bayou with

"When dog shit in shoe. You wipe out with toilet paper. Then turn shoe around and wear side with no shit. I sell million of this."

Nooter with

professor farnsworth had a sure fire winner for this years inventors convention - the handy h1n1 'sneeze block' dispenser unit. unfortunately he couldnt remember where he put it so he had to go with an older invention, the 'give yourself a swift kick in the butt' shoe. ever the optimist, he was still hopeful of his chances...

and

after the alien abduction and, um, examination, pat started having all sorts of wonderful new ideas

This MONTH's winner is Renal Failure with

Hi it's Vince with the Shoe-Wow!

Caption This

Not sure where to start with this one...

I'm Not Worried

Is anyone else ever scared of their kids sometimes?

Or is it just me?
I'm sure it's nothing...

Personal Foul

Thanks to everyone for your funny captions for this pic.

Let us begin with some honorable mentions...


Lola with

Yet another reason why football needs to eliminate the touchdown dance. You knew eventually someone was going to take it too far.

Bill's Bayou, as usual, had more than one great one with

Super Bowl? I'll show you my Super Bowel!

and

Personal foul or foul person? You decide.

and

"Go deep! GO DEEP!"

Nooter with

hey big boy, how bout if i put this ball between your uprights then we can go back to my place and practice our illegal procedures? yeah?

Those were all great, but Mooooog35 made me LOL with this one:

Desperate for sex, Randy misunderstands when someone in the stand told him that 'Eli Manning sucked.'

You get another one of these, Moooog! You probably need another trophy case by now. I hope all this glory doesn't go to your head. BTW, if you want to see Jesus in a Snuggie, stop by Moooog's blog today.

Caption This

Since the Super Bowl is coming up, I thought I would do a football themed Caption This contest today. Anybody game??

You Stuck That WHERE?!

ALWAYS read the small print. Don't ask my husband how he knows this.

Mom Likes Jules Best!

Thanks to everyone who participated in the caption contest last week. Let's get started with some honorable mentions before I crown the new, "Mom Likes Me Best" winner.


Mooooog35 with

Ten bucks says this guy gets through airport security.

Me-Me King with

Mondomango discovers lip syncing is very difficult while wearing the traditional e-coli-petri-dish.

Bill's Bayou with

In his right ear, he can hear the ocean. In his left ear, he can hear Billy Ocean.

Nooter with

click-click-dirk dressed in high style for his hot date with the new anglo aid worker krrrz-tnnn

Don with

Say hey! Me, reggae and my AK! Wurd up!

CatLadyLarew with

Bangle bracelets, shell necklace, lip disc, AK-47, iPod... what more could a girl want?

This week's winner is the very creative, Jules, with

Dear Mom and Dad,
Funny story, I met some new friends over the weekend on a yacht in the Mediterranean, and I woke up in Africa.
Those warlords are NUTS!
Anyway, I need some cash. Fast.
You can text, but please don't call. I won't be able to talk.
Love,
Son

Thanks everyone!!!

Good Day, Sun Shines!

I hate when I get comments from scammers trying to get me to sign up for some get rich quick scheme or some other bullshit scam. That's why it's a breath of fresh air to get the following comment yesterday. I would love to share this opportunity with all of you. I don't know about you, but I'm totally in!!

Good day, sun shines!
There have were times of troubles when I felt unhappy missing knowledge about opportunities of getting high yields on investments. I was a dump and downright pessimistic person.
I have never imagined that there weren't any need in big starting capital.
Now, I'm happy and lucky , I started take up real income.
It gets down to choose a correct companion who utilizes your money in a right way - that is incorporate it in real deals, and shares the profit with me.

You may get interested, if there are such firms? I'm obliged to answer the truth, YES, there are. Please get to know about one of them:
[url=http://theblogmoney.com] Online investment blog[/url]

The fact that it comes from, "Anonymous" gives me greater confidence.

You're welcome!!

UPDATE:Don't judge, but I actually went to the site and as you might expect, the grammar is pure comedy and it makes absolutely no sense. I thought it was funny until I noticed it gets way more traffic than I do. Basically, you can just put a bunch of words up there that make no sense and get more traffic than I do. I'm a loser.

Caption This Contest

I can't wait to see what you come up for this one!

My Work in Action!

I would like to thank everyone for wishing me a better Monday yesterday. My day got 100 percent better when some of my readers were kind enough to send in pictures of themselves in my uni-sex clothing line. Thank you, loyal customers!!! (If you don't know what I'm talking about, click here.)

I would love to share more of my genius at work. You're welcome for making the world a more attractive place!!

Here is Dave from Wisconsin whimsically pairing formal black gloves with a sundress. Nice thinking! Eating potato chips with said gloves is another great idea.

Here we have Tiny and Duane from Texas. Tiny enjoys all kinds of extreme and dangerous sports like wearing horizontal stripes on this boat.

Here is Jacques Strap from France wearing a daring outfit that turned out to be a big seller. Who knew? You wear it well, Jacques!

Finally, we have Lee Nover from suburban New Jersey. This is my show stopper. It is quite avant garde and not for everyone, but Lee rocks it!! 
 

Someone Has a Case of the Mondays! : (

I hate this Monday! I'm having trouble getting into the spirit of doing a bunch of crap I don't want to do. I got up and had a nice big cup of....

...coffee... I thought that would make me feel better, but it didn't. Then I remembered this:

Thanks, whoever you are! Now I feel better!

My Business Genius at Work

Some of you might have noticed that I haven't been blogging for the past few months. I have a reason for that. I have been busy with a couple of business ventures that haven't exactly taken off the way I had hoped. I thought that maybe some of you could help me figure out what I'm doing wrong.

My first business venture was genius! How many times have you been getting ready to go out and wondered out loud, "Why can't I seem to find great looking uni-sex clothing??"?

I know. Me too. I decided that I would start the world's first uni-sex clothing line. I hired some models from the local methadone clinic and was clearly on my way to vast fame and fortune.

Here's a picture of Daryl in a midriff baring spring look. Why aren't men allowed to show off their assets? Since he's got it, why not flaunt it.

Not everyone has the belly to get away with Daryl's outfit. However, some men have legs for days like Wade here. I've come up with a great skirt look that says, "I'm still a manly man."

I have left my show stopper for last. Elrod's finale look says that he's a manly man, yet he still enjoys a good mani/pedi every so often like the next girl. I love his look, however Elrod and I had a few creative differences. While I don't agree with his choice to pair this look with the red knee socks, I'm happy overall with his interpretation of my vision. He obviously wears it well.

Any ideas as to where I went wrong? I'm chalking it up to the current economic crisis.

The Christmas Caption Winner! So Last Year...

I'm back! I would like to apologize to all my fan (thanks mom) for being so late in judging this ever-so-important contest. Let's get started with a look at this week's picture...

Let's see what some honorable mentions we got this time!

Bill's Bayou with

Fruitcake? I got your fruitcake!

domesticgoddess with

If I have to match my sisters again next year I will shit in your stocking...Merry fucking Christmas.

Lola with

Cindy couldn't stand Britany's swearing anymore so Britany switched to sign language.

nonamedufus with

Sally, how do you feel about all the neat gifts that Santa brought you? Sally?

The winner has to be Bill's Bayou with the funny, yet wordy

The first time on film, this was not the only time Kirsten has been seen giving this gesture. Some of the more significant moments follow:

Christmas 1973: "Kirsten, do you want to come see President Nixon read 'The Night Before Christmas'?" (see photo)

May, 1979: "Kirsten! We're all going to Baskin Robbins for sundaes. Want to come?" (see photo)

August 1984: "Kirsten, I can't believe your younger sister is getting married before you! Come congratulate her." (see photo)

June 1989: "Honey, come help your father off the toilet. He's had too much to drink." (see photo)

September 1993: "Ma'am, do you know how fast you were driving?" (see photo)

February 1998: "C'mon Honey. Let's try for child number eleven." (see photo)

June 2003: "You have to understand, we can't have your kids coming to school and chewing tobacco in P.E." (see photo)

November 2007: "Lady, please don't put your cigarettes out in the cauliflower." (see photo)

January 2010: "When's this contest going to be judged?" (see photo)

It's the "January 2010" one that got me.

I am going to be back working on my blog more this year. I hope you will come back and enjoy the hilarity!