Important Safety Information! Please Read!!

After my disastrous attempt at vacuuming the stairs the other day, I have been very interested in black eye prevention. I googled, "black eye" and found some interesting information. First of all, when I typed in "black eye", Google, being very politically correct, said, "Do you mean "African American Eye"? I clicked on that and found out there are ways to prevent this condition. This is for real:

Black eye prevention.
* Wear the appropriate protective gear for any athletic or work-related activity. This will help protect against not only black eyes but also other serious injuries.

* Wear goggles or other eye protection when working, doing yard work, or other hobbies and sports to help prevent all types of eye injuries.
Who knew?

Normally I would think that this guy was just a dork, but now I know that he is simply preventing a potentially painful condition. Although, I didn't read anything about pulling your pants up all the way to your boobs preventing anything.

I see that this gentleman is actively preventing a black eye while enjoying some shopping at Wal-Mart.

I'm considering the helmet below because it has the added safety feature of a strobe light and horn. Now, everyone will know I'm coming and can prepare to give me a safe environment.

I also found a safety suggestion for Chat Blanc:

After shopping for hundreds of helmets, I finally ended up with this one. Thoughts??


My Vacuum Sucks!!!!

Where to start?

In my infinite wisdom, I have managed to give myself my first black eye... with a vacuum. Yes, with a vacuum.

It is a stupid vacuum that doesn't even work very well. I just use it because it needs work and times are tough. I can't afford a fancy Dyson. I'll bet Dysons don't beat their owners.

I was innocently vacuuming my stairs when tragedy struck. I was using the hose attachment feature to clean the stairs below the actual vacuum. I went just one stair too far, looked up and saw my piece of shit vacuum hurling itself at my head.

I'm considering legal action.

Heeeeeere's Mommy!

Today's your lucky day! I'm back and badder than ever!

First, I want to thank all of you again for your well wishes! I can't believe how great you all are. Believe it or not, you helped my family and me get through a very difficult time.

I have been ignoring my fun, fake life on the internet for way too long. I started slowly by playing Nanny Goats daily trivia game for the past few days. It's pretty fun to play. Go try it sometime. Don't be intimidated by vast knowledge of unimportant facts. I have consistently been ranked in the top 95 percentile the whole time I have been playing. Just try to beat me, bitch.

Before I go, I would like to let you know that a bottle of wine, a facebook account and a sudden interest in asking everyone you've ever met in your life to be your friend is kind of awkward the next day. Don't ask me how I know this.


Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!

I just wanted to thank you all for your kind comments and good wishes. It really means a lot!

Winston passed away early this morning. It has been a long battle and I hope he is in a better place.

This picture says everything. Goodbye to a great grandpa!


We Love You, Winston

Many of you have been asking where I have been, especially since I bragged that I would be posting every single day this month. Okay, it was one of you. Anyway, my father in law has been struggling with Alzheimer's for many years now. It is a terrible disease that affects the whole family. He is expected to die this week.

I have obviously been out in the real world rather than hiding in my fun little bloggy world. All I have to say is appreciate all the people in your life who love you! I need to spend time with my family for now.


USC Wins!

We had a great time at the game last night. We won and here's the view from our seats. I took a picture with my phone.

The only problem was that there was this obnoxious guy in front of us. He was drinking way too much. He wouldn't stop. Nevermind the fact that drinking is not allowed in The Coliseum anymore!

See! He was totally not following the rules.

What made it worse was that he was there with his whole family. What do you think his mom thought? He was so bad, he pee pee'd in his pants. Here he is being really immature and flaunting his drinking problem:

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Follow the Liter

It's game day! That means it's time to go to my alma mater and pretend like I'm still a carefree college kid for a few hours. Back in the day, they sold beer at The Coliseum. However, people started getting a little too crazy and now all we get is $12 sodas and waters. I swear I had little to do with the whole no alcohol allowed thing.

Now we just have to get there early and tailgate for a while before we go into the game. Some people take this to an art form. I wanted to really do it up right this year, so I found my perfect tailgate accessory. Here it is:

What do you think? Flat screen tv, two taps and a BBQ behind it (not pictured). Jealous??????

Me too. It costs $14,000, so I will have to settle for something more like this:

Guy and two coolers not included.

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Smackdown at the Coliseum

Since I have get to post every day this month, I have decided to give you some good old fashioned college football trash talk. My husband and I are going to a big game on Saturday. We are going to watch the USC Trojans beat a bunch of hippies from Berkeley.

Even though they suck almost as hard as UCLA, we will of course make them feel welcome to our fine institution.

Look! We can't have this guy just walk through the gates like he owns the place. He can take his petruli oil and go around the back.

Hippies aside, this should be a good game, if we win. Watch for me on tv! I'll be the one who looks like a cartoon character beating up some tree hugger. I hope I don't end up in jail this time. I got into it with these guys last year. They were trash talking and it was on! Sometimes my intermittent explosive disorder gets the best of me. But, look at them! My grandma could have kicked their collective asses!

PS-Muskrat! Are you there? Let's just see about Alabama!

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NaBloPoMo Him? I Hardly Knew Him!

I have given myself a challenge this month. I am going to try to post every single day this month. I know! I know! Before you say it, "You're welcome!" This will allow you the treat of enjoying my pearls of wisdom every day of the week.

I joined NaBloPoMo. I know what you're thinking, "But, Kirsten, what the heck is NaBloPoMo anyway?" Well, I'm not really sure, but I'm not one to shy away from a challenge. Plus, you can win prizes. (I think)

Do any of you biotches have the balls to try it too?

Also, Chris over at Angry Seafood did this post about the election. It has links to some great posts about this circus that we call democracy. Please check it out. He has a really entertaining blog.

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Control Freak!

Gwen over at Confessions of a Control Freak has given me this lovely award.

I am very flattered considering control freaks are very particular about what they like, and she likes me! She really likes me!! Thanks, Gwen!

Here are the rules:

1. Post the award on your blog.
2. Link me for giving it to you.
3. Link the originating post here
4. Pass the award on to five more deserving people.
5. Post these rules for your recipients

First off, I like the Tiggy Blog, but she says she doesn't read blogs when she's not on the blogroll. I have just added her, so maybe she'll start stopping by more often!

Next is a blog that pretty much everyone likes called, "Nanny Goats in Panties". She has some great tips about what to do with your left over shelf liner. It really has changed my life!

This next guy is hilarious and best of all, he keeps his posts nice and short. His blog is called, "Why Me? The Life and Times of Harris Bloom". He is a newlywed which should be some good material for some funny posts to come! No pressure, Harris. Just make it goodgreat!

Vodka Mom's style. Check her out or you're an asshat.

Lastly, I would like to recognize one funny mofo named Heinous. I'm pretty sure that's his professional name. :) Anyway, he's the genius behind Irregularly Periodic Ruminations. You're an asshat if you don't check him out too.

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WARNING: Election Day Vitriol

I hope you don't mind that I vent for a minute here. Election day is here already! I can't believe it! This whole process has just flown by!! I only wish that I could hear about these candidates over and over and over again for another year.

I can't tell you how sick I am of this whole thing. I'm glad we get to vote, get it over with and move on. I will not miss everyone giving me their two cents about their stupid views. If you think you will change my mind, you're an asshole. Shut up already. No one cares what you think! Oh yeah, and you can take your election yard signs and shove them up you ass while you're at it. Excuse me, Susan Sarandon, but no one gives a shit about how you're voting.


The other thing that pisses me off about this shit is that before I've had a chance to vote in California, the news is already telling me who won. As soon as the polls close back east, the election is over as far as the media is concerned. It really makes me fell like I'm a part of the process! Goddamn election!

What about Hawaii? They are Americans too as far as I can tell. The election is over before they even wake up! Sort of. Well, if you had a big night the night before and you sleep in until one o'clock in the afternoon. Americans like to party on a monday night sometimes, even if they live in the red headed step child of the states like Hawaii.

Thanks for letting me get that out of my system! Sorry if I sound a little grumpy! Now, I'm going to get my, "I Voted" sticker and go around and see how much free stuff I can get. I know Krispy Kreme is giving free coffee to those of us wearing our stickers. Does anyone know of some other freebies?

I love all comments, but if you try to tell me how to vote, I will take your laptop and shove it up your ass. Know this.

UPDATE: One more complaint. You know those yard signs that say, "The Jones Family for McCain" or Obama or Nader or whatever? I hate those even more. Who the hell are you to speak for the whole family? Your five year old could be a raging Totalitarian Neo-Marxist with leanings toward Stalinism. Have you ever bothered to ask? They certainly aren't for your candidate. Have you ever thought about how your kid is going to be treated by his friends in morning song circle? Everyone knows that kindergarteners have Stalinist tendencies these days.

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