10/20/2008

Best of, Part Three

Don't Tase Me Bro!

Let me preface this post by saying that this is part three of the last two posts, so if you're new you might be confused. Ahem...

So Alpha mom herself comes over and asks me for some bank for some wack fundraiser for one of the girls on the team who has leukemia or brain cancer or something like that. Waaa Waaa! We all have problems lady! So, just to get her out of my grill, I tossed her a Washington and told her to keep on steppin'.

Now I really need another sip of "water" from my pimp cup. (My water is stone cold Grey Goose, biotches! You know this!)

I guess I got a little rowdy and, "verbally abusive" with some of the girls. I also heard things like, "drunk in public" and "lewd acts" mentioned as well. So, Alpha starts buggin' and actually has the balls to come over and suggest I've been drinking! She says in her lame, mom jeans voice, "I can smell it on your breath!". I called bullshit on that right away. "You can't smell vodka on one's breath!" I really showed her! I topped it off with a, "Hey, can you get your jeans up higher under your armpits?" and a, "The eighties called and wants their perm back!".

I was nice! I could have mentioned that her husband, Sheldon, is cheating on her with Angela who works the Icee machine at the bowling alley downtown. Actually, come to think of it, I might have mentioned it right before the cops came and hogtied me in front of everyone, even the girls. But, I didn't spill one damn bit of my Grey Goose! It seemed to be a big deal, because then I heard a ghetto bird (police helicopter-for those of you ignoramuses who don't know the lingo) coming. I must be really important!

Now, everyone has to admit that I have some serious street cred now. Devin was so proud that she had tears of joy running down her face!

Okay, here is where my obsession with the tv show, "COPS" comes in handy. Whenever they pick up some prostitute or crack dealer, they always flash their toothless grin and say the same thing. So I knock 'em out with, "Hey officer! I ain't got no priors!" I'm sure it will get me better treatment. Said cop was not impressed and shoved me in the back seat of his car while he went over to talk to Alpha and hear her bullshit story.

The long and short of it is that my husband ended up having to bail me out of jail on some trumped up charges of "assault and battery", "drunk in public", "urinating in public" and "postal fraud". I'm kind of confused about the last one, but I was frankly in a blackout and might have tried to mail something without the proper postage or something.

On another thought, you know how the bail bondsmen commercials show the concerned wife getting the phone call in the middle of the night and goes into the friendly, clean bail bonds office with her little kid and gets her hubby out and everyone holds hands and sings cumbaya? Well, I'm here to tell you that it doesn't quite work out that way.

My husband wasn't down with my newfound street cred. (I'm way badder than that poser Martha Stewart anyway) But, it all turned out okay because when I got home, the kids were crying, so at least they were proud and happy, and as a good mom, that's all that really counts!

Peace out!

If you guys have a heart at all and think this post deserves a smiley, I would appreciate it! It's actually part of my probation.

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